Monday, 19th April 2021

Britain set for glorious summer of car park arguments

THE UK is looking forward to a marvellous summer of bitter arguments in car parks near tourism hotspots. 

The ban on foreign travel means record numbers of families are booking staycations and record numbers of red-faced men will face off about who saw that f**king space first in municipal car parks with a view of the sea.

A spokesman for Visit Britain said: “We’re set for a fantastic summer where some of the UK’s most entitled and needlessly aggressive holidaymakers will swap the sun loungers of the Mediterranean for the priority parking bays of National Trust visitor centres.

“From Cromarty to Cornwall, you’ll be leaving your holiday cottage at 7am to secure a spot only to find that some bastard from Essex is already signalling like it’s theirs even though you’ve been circling for ten minutes.

Mum Nikki Hollis said: “We have two kids, so we had no option to buy a Land Rover Discovery and it’s not our fault these Welsh spaces are so narrow, so piss off.

“I will be making these points three inches from your face while the 16 families queuing at the machine watch in enjoyment, before I try to get them to join in.”

Antagonistic arsehole Jordan Gardner agreed: “I can’t wait to block you in with my Audi in Weymouth this August, and I’m prepared to meet any criticism with loud threats of physical violence I have neither the intention nor the ability to deliver on. See you there!”