Britain shaken by terrifying possibility good things can happen

BRITAIN has admitted being unable to sleep since Saturday because it is tormented by the possibility that good things can happen. 

The end of Donald Trump’s presidency seems to indicate that not everything turns out badly and that hope is not a wasted emotion, neither of which the UK can cope with.

Nathan Muir of Hatfield said: “Since the barrage of deaths and f**k-ups that was 2016, I’ve numbed myself out of any kind of optimism. It was clear that only the worst would happen, all the time.

“And for the last four years that’s been entirely borne out by events. I mean I won’t say I was expecting a pandemic but I wasn’t exactly surprised either. It was in keeping with the general tone.

“But now Trump’s gone, anything seems possible. We could have a working track-and-trace system. We could make a decent deal with the EU. Jacob Rees-Mogg could step on a rake then stagger backwards into an open manhole.

“It’s killing me. It gnaws away at my insides, telling me that we could beat Covid like other island countries have, that life go back to normal, that one day we’ll see Boris tried in the Hague.

“I just want this feeling to go away before it hurts me. This is worse than Trump ever was.”

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Neighbour takes up new lockdown hobby of being a twat

A NEXT-DOOR neighbour has decided to occupy himself during the second lockdown by being a complete and utter twat.

While the first lockdown saw many Britons taking up hobbies including yoga and baking, Tom Logan of Reading has fully committed to spending the time until December 2nd pissing off everyone who lives around him.

He explained: “I didn’t love the first lockdown, but this one’s going great for me so far.

“I get up at 6am, banging around slamming doors and dropping pots and pans, before whacking the TV on at full volume.

“I’m furloughed, so my days are my own to spend having a lot of loud phone conversations in my garden, shouting obscenities at video games, doing a bit of DIY or just moving furniture.

“But I’m aware a lot of people are at work so I’m not neglecting the evenings. It’s winter now, so my pals and I can’t sit illegally in the garden unless we light a massive bonfire and throw weird, unidentifiable shit in it that smells terrible.

“After lighting a few fireworks and a top-volume drunken conversation about what a legend James Blunt is we wind things down at about 2am. Ready to start all over again tomorrow.”