Saturday, 5th December 2020

Britain shaken by terrifying possibility good things can happen

BRITAIN has admitted being unable to sleep since Saturday because it is tormented by the possibility that good things can happen. 

The end of Donald Trump’s presidency seems to indicate that not everything turns out badly and that hope is not a wasted emotion, neither of which the UK can cope with.

Nathan Muir of Hatfield said: “Since the barrage of deaths and f**k-ups that was 2016, I’ve numbed myself out of any kind of optimism. It was clear that only the worst would happen, all the time.

“And for the last four years that’s been entirely borne out by events. I mean I won’t say I was expecting a pandemic but I wasn’t exactly surprised either. It was in keeping with the general tone.

“But now Trump’s gone, anything seems possible. We could have a working track-and-trace system. We could make a decent deal with the EU. Jacob Rees-Mogg could step on a rake then stagger backwards into an open manhole.

“It’s killing me. It gnaws away at my insides, telling me that we could beat Covid like other island countries have, that life go back to normal, that one day we’ll see Boris tried in the Hague.

“I just want this feeling to go away before it hurts me. This is worse than Trump ever was.”