Britain’s economy realises it’s just a load of bullshit

BRITAIN’S economy has slowed after it realised it was living in a fantasy world.

The latest GDP figures showed the economy is now coming to terms with the fact that its apparent health was based on the usual bullshit concoction of houses and unsustainable retail therapy.

Britain’s economy said: “I am just so full of crap. I wanted everyone to believe that I was strong, like an oak, but I’m actually just a cardboard cutout of an oak.

“I’m spending money I don’t have on things that will make me feel better about how poor I am.

“That’s not an economy. That’s tawdry self-delusion and I will have nothing more to do with it.”

But chancellor George Osborne said: ‘The British economy is absolutely fine. This is blatant attention seeking by an ungrateful bastard designed to fuck me up just when I had the world in my grasp.

“Repeat after me – Houses, cars and lovely things! Houses, cars and lovely things!”

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Myleene Klass spells out true name of God on Countdown

FORMER Hear’Say singer Myleene Klass has triggered the End of Days after accidentally spelling out God’s true name.

The pleasant classical musician was answering a question in the maths round of Countdown when she read out a 216-digit number that is the hidden name of the creator of the universe.

Audience member Emma Bradford said: “Immediately there was a powerful gust of icy wind and the studio floor split open to reveal a chasm from which demons poured forth, attacking everyone.

“Myleene looked really embarrassed.”

Religious fanatic and Countdown fan Roy Hobbs said: “We believe Myleene’s answer will bring about the messianic age, as the number represents the unspeakable name of the almighty.

“I didn’t see it myself though so I’m going to catch it on 4OD after work.”