Britain's last volunteer died in 1976

NOBODY in the UK has volunteered to do something since the mid 1970s, it has emerged.

As David Cameron unveiled a plan to allow workers to spend three days a year doing a different job very badly, experts said volunteering is as unfamiliar to the electorate as kindness or mercy.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “The sweet old ladies and pierced young men running charity shops are not volunteers but are serving community service sentences for their terrible crimes.

“Those few people who look like volunteers, like the St John’s Ambulance at football matches, are only in it to watch the game for free and pocket up to £50 in sharpened coins.”

Britain’s last volunteer, Susan Traherne of Ludlow, is remembered by the town every August for being a total and utter mug who everyone took advantage of.

Ludlow’s mayor Nathan Muir said: “Whether it was feeding cats, picking up litter or cleaning graffiti from road signs, old Sue would tirelessly do it without ever wanting anything but our goodwill.

“She really was an idiot.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

London no longer just a metaphorical desert

A RAIN of sand from the Sahara has finally made London the desert that it always was in spirit, it has been confirmed.

The capital, whose streets are now dominated by endless rolling dunes and the parched cries of the dying, is now as fatal to the physical body as it has always been to the soul.

Hedge fund manager Tom Booker said: “When I saw the blood rain spatter against the windows this morning, my initial thought was that it was a bit heavy-handed as a metaphor.

“But as the city was buried up to the fourth storey, becoming an endless vista of bleak dunes where survival can only be measured by the day, I realised that finally the exterior world matched the interior one.

“I’m setting out for Battersea tonight, with a team of native guides and a train of camels, but they say there is only a 20 per cent chance we will survive.”

Londoner Carolyn Ryan said: “Amid the bleached bones an oasis is but a mirage, the few trading posts charge unbelievable amounts for the most basic supplies and any companionship inevitably ends in betrayal.

“And now it’s covered in sand.”