'British FBI' to focus on the paranormal

A NEW body styled as the UK’s FBI will focus on werewolves, ghosts and other aspects of the supernatural.

The home secretary has described the NCA – Nightmare Creatures Association – as Britain’s first line of defence against monsters.

Theresa May said: “Statistics show that only a relatively small proportion of the UK is worried about crime, while 91% of people are scared of ghosts.

“Personally I am terrified of witches. I often wake up at night because of noises in the house.

“I expect that if I went downstairs I would see a witch sitting in my rocking chair, nursing her half-pig witch baby. As I enter the kitchen the witch would look up and make a slurpy sound.

“Of course I don’t get up. I pull the covers up over my head.”

May said UFOs would be a particular priority: “You should see some of the evidence. I’ve seen a letter by this woman from Reading, its got some alien hair Sellotaped to it.

“Aliens got in her house and made her cut their hair. But at the time there was no government agency to properly investigate and she was sectioned.”

Plumber Tom Logan said: “This has great entertainment value, plus I’ve always worried there was someone or something under my bed, wanting to steal my identity.

“And I’m not speaking metaphorically. Once I saw a clawed hand sticking out.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Abandoned Washington DC becomes ape habitat

THE abandoned capital of the United States has been colonised by apes after just three days of a government shutdown.

The White House, almost unrecognisable under thick vines and Spanish moss, is a crumbling ruin and the famous Capitol Dome is now occupied by orangutans released from the Smithsonian Zoo.

The shutdown, which sent all government employees home indefinitely, has seen human democracy replaced by territorial conflict between bonobo chimps.

Political commentator Susan Traherne said: “Without gardeners, without drivers, and without police, Washington DC became a wilderness in hours.

“The first to go were the senators, trailing their exhausted staff behind them, who travelled on foot leaving the bodies of interns where they fell.

“The lobbyists who stayed behind were torn apart by chimps angered by their offer of campaign contributions.

“The only surviving staff are a tribe of former museum attendants, daubed in red bodypaint and riding Segways, who have begun hunting other humans for food and for sport.”

President Obama, dressed in the ragged remains of a pinstriped suit, trekked from DC to New York chasing rumours of a small band of renegade lawmakers still operating according to the constitution.

When he arrived to find the Statue of Liberty broken and half-buried in the sand, he fell to his knees and shouted “You really did it! You maniacs! Damn you!” while pounding the shore with his fists.