British swearing 'still the best in the world'

BRITAIN remains the global leader in swearing, it has been claimed.

After Germany officially adopted the word ‘shitstorm’, experts hailed British swearing and swearers.

Julian Cook, professor of swearing at Roehampton Univeristy, said: “In these jaded times it is all too easy to take words like arse, cock, minge, fuck – and fucknut – for granted.

“But when a British person says something like ‘fucking shut it, you arse-faced bastard’,  the rest of the world looks at us with something bordering on awe.”

He added: “The French don’t even have a term for ‘bell end’, that’s how far behind they are.”

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Seagulls running everything

SEAGULLS have been humankind’s masters for the past three decades, it has emerged.

As gulls across Britain launch a new wave of attacks, leading seagulls said that any retaliation would mean the end of society as you know it.

Intimidating-looking gull Tom Logan said: “We let your species survive because you provide us with delicious half-eaten kebabs and bins overflowing with discarded chips.

“If one of you apes tries any funny business with an air gun, we’ll get in your houses and peck your genitals off, then do jets of liquid shit all over your family photographs.

“Look at the size of me. My chest is absurdly wide and my facial blades are perfectly designed for eyeball plucking.

“I am, to all intents and purposes, a monster.”

A government spokesman said: “The gulls are why chip shop portions are absurdly huge. We have to keep them happy or we’ll all dead.”