Britons pretending to enjoy sun through gritted teeth 

PEOPLE across the UK have miserably begun their annual ritual of pretending to enjoy temperatures above 18 degrees Celsius.  

Despite their better judgement, pasty-skinned Brits have been flocking to the country’s beaches and parks, enduring sweaty backs, chafing thighs and serious sunburn to maintain the yearly delusion.

Martin Bishop said “We went down to the local park with the children and it was a horrendous experience from start to finish.

“We sat grumpily in full sunshine until one of the kids succumbed to heatstroke and fainted. But what else were we meant to do, stay in our pleasant, cool house?

“Everyone else in town had the same idea and was also obviously hating it. No wonder that massive, drunken brawl broke out.”

Helen Archer, who spent the day at Bournemouth beach with friends, said: “It was completely shit. We sat near a sewage outlet pipe and slowly developed migraines from the glare coming off the sea.

“But we only get one week of horribly warm weather a year, so you have to pretend to have a nice time while wishing desperately for the usual delicious cold drizzle to return.

“Fake enjoyment is an important British tradition.”

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People who have no freedom of speech given entire broadcast news channel

PUBLIC figures that never shut up have been given their own TV channel where they can talk endlessly about being silenced.

The marginalised journalists, politicians and celebrities had previously only been able to speak about having no voice in newspaper columns, social media and regular slots on Question Time.

GB News viewer Nathan Muir said: “Wokeness has gone mad. When Andrew Neil voluntarily quit the BBC, all he had was The Daily Mail, The Spectator and his Twitter account to speak through. It’s not right.

“So I’m glad there’s finally a television channel devoted to him and those like him where they can make shows that are totally unbiased yet still strangely resonate only with perpetually furious gammon like me.

“If I were to think a bit harder I might suspect something doesn’t ring true about a channel funded by international investment firms being the voice of the ordinary British person.

“And I might also wonder whether people corralling themselves into one place where they can easily be switched off would be a worse way to get their voices heard then appearing across a wide range of media outlets.

“But I don’t like thinking, so I’ll just enjoy the puce-faced shouting instead.”