PEOPLE across the UK have miserably begun their annual ritual of pretending to enjoy temperatures above 18 degrees Celsius.
Despite their better judgement, pasty-skinned Brits have been flocking to the country’s beaches and parks, enduring sweaty backs, chafing thighs and serious sunburn to maintain the yearly delusion.
Martin Bishop said “We went down to the local park with the children and it was a horrendous experience from start to finish.
“We sat grumpily in full sunshine until one of the kids succumbed to heatstroke and fainted. But what else were we meant to do, stay in our pleasant, cool house?
“Everyone else in town had the same idea and was also obviously hating it. No wonder that massive, drunken brawl broke out.”
Helen Archer, who spent the day at Bournemouth beach with friends, said: “It was completely shit. We sat near a sewage outlet pipe and slowly developed migraines from the glare coming off the sea.
“But we only get one week of horribly warm weather a year, so you have to pretend to have a nice time while wishing desperately for the usual delicious cold drizzle to return.
“Fake enjoyment is an important British tradition.”