Britons to read every word of EU booklet before moving on to Capital One invitation

BRITONS are to painstakingly peruse the Government’s 14-page pro-EU booklet before doing the same with their latest letter from Capital One. 

The glossy booklet, titled Congratulations! You Have Been Personally Selected for an Explanation of Why the Government Believes Remaining in the EU is the Best Decision for the UK, will be treated with the same reverence as all unsolicited mail. 

Joseph Turner of Welwyn Garden City said: “When making key decisions, whether remortgaging or leaving the EU, I always turn first to whatever’s come through the post. 

“I’ve set the whole afternoon aside for this booklet, with a pad and pencil ready to make notes, and I’m confident that when I’ve finished I will be equipped to make an informed decision. 

“After that it’s the Boden catalogue, and then my latest Capital One invitation. I wonder how they’ll elaborate on yesterday’s stunning gambit of a facsimile platinum card included within the very envelope?

Turner added: “Wait, is that the letterbox? What’s this? A new pizza restaurant also able to deliver? 

“Cancel my dinner plans. This deserves my full attention.”

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Ask Holly: My dad might be posthumously about to end my career as prime minister

Dear Holly,

It looks like my dad might be posthumously about to end my career as prime minister. How annoying. Do you think a new career making artisan chutney might be a good idea?



Dear David,

Don’t worry, everyone’s dad is rubbish and embarrassing sometimes. They don’t mean it. They genuinely believe that it’s okay to dance like an idiot to the Kaiser Chiefs in front of all your school friends and bore everyone to death with stories about raving in the Slam tent at T in the Park once about 15 years ago. Just be careful if your dad starts growing an interesting beard and considering getting a tattoo sleeve because then you really are in trouble.

Hope that helps,