Middling Premier League teams to form breakaway Mediocrity League

THE so-called ‘Little seven; teams of the English Premier League have held secret meetings to discuss forming their own Mediocrity League.

The teams, said to include Norwich City, Sunderland, Newcastle and West Bromwich Albion among others, have felt for some time that the rest of the Premier League is too good for them and they should just play each other.

A Norwich City source said: “They say being beaten builds character but you should see the state of our character. It’s been eroded to a stub through countless drubbings and thrashings, to say nothing of the spankings.

“What we’re proposing is a league for us middling clubs, not quite bad enough for the Championship but way off Europa League standard, always bottom of the bill on Match Of The Day.

“We’re all much of a muchness, none of us much cop, which would make for some pretty exciting 0-0 draws for the discerning footballing purist.

“Crystal Palace v Norwich. Norwich v Sunderland. Newcastle v West Brom. These are the games that showcase English football as it was meant to be played; strong clearances into the stands, nervous back passes, shanked misses from point-blank range. 

“I can almost hear the true English football fans salivating at the prospect.”

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Cameron's son old enough for 'the tax chat'

DAVID Cameron’s son Arthur is grown-up enough for a fatherly chat about offshore holdings, it has emerged.

The prime minister took his son aside and explained what happens when a man and woman love each other very much and decide to move their funds overseas.

Cameron said: “He’s only 10, and ideally I wanted to leave it a few years but they grow up so fast these days, especially with all the stuff on the internet about ‘shell companies’ in Panama.

“The main things is that he understands that all this stuff is healthy and natural, not weird or embarrassing. “

Dressed in River Island jeans and a blue untucked shirt, Cameron sat down with his son on a tree stump at the bottom of the garden, just like his father did all those years ago.

He said: “You’re nearly a man now, and soon you’ll start to experience complicated feelings towards money.”

However the prime minister skirted around the explicit details of how the money ends up in the right places, preferred to stick with a vague metaphor of trains going into tunnels.