Britons urged to enjoy last few hours before explosion of baby bullshit

BRITONS have been advised to enjoy life in the final hours before a million-megaton blast of bullshit is unleashed.

‘Babypocalypse’ experts have told Britons to leave work immediately and go with their loved ones to a beauty spot where they can spend these last fleeting moments of normality in quiet contemplation.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “We can’t say for sure how your life will change after today, but change it will and not for the better.

“This birth is like the Cuban missile crisis, except it’s not going to be averted.

“Once that child comes out of that vagina, nothing will be the same again.

“Leave work immediately. Visit or phone the people you care about.

“You might want to spend your ‘final hours’ in a calm, reflective state – or just go nuts with shagging, drugs and maybe some light destruction of property.

“If you are single, perhaps find an attractive stranger and ask them if they fancy doing it on the roof of a bus.

“The impending doom will make millions of us into wanton sexual libertines.

“But whatever you do today, make it count.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Dacre to 'opt' for adult content so he can 'check how disgusting it is'

DAILY Mail editor Paul Dacre will ‘opt-in’ to web porn so that he can remain up to speed with Britain’s moral decay.

After claiming victory in the latest battle against internet sewage, Dacre stressed it would be foolish to pretend that ‘dirty things would go away forever’.

He said: “This war will not be won until images of naked women doing things with snakes are wiped from almost every screen in the country.

“It’s all about ‘knowing thy enemy’. How am I supposed to destroy pornography if I don’t know what it looks like? And sounds like.

“And how much it costs per month. And whether you get a discount if you sign up for a whole year.

“Perhaps it has some kind of ‘premium member’ thing going on where you get live chat and a free gadget.

“It sounds particularly vile.”

Prime minister David Cameron has announced that internet users will have to ‘unblock’ pornography in a bid to stop children with smartphones taking about five minutes to get round it and then sharing it with all their friends.

But the Mail editor said he was ‘willing to be coroded’ by adult content so that the next generation of middle class children could grow up in a Hampshire village in 1952.

He added: “Ah, this young woman seems to have broken down. Let’s see if Green Flag can keep their promises.”