Brown Sells You To Some Arab Gentlemen

PRIME minister Gordon Brown returned to the UK last night after successfully negotiating the purchase of you by some Arabs.

The billionaire rulers of the Gulf states have agreed to shore-up the ailing British economy in exchange for the lifelong commercial rights to you and your family.

Under the deal the chief breadwinner in every UK household will work nine months of the year in Saudi Arabia, Qatar and Dubai, but will be allowed to send money home for essential items like petrol.

Mr Brown said: "It'll be mainly light domestic duties. Polishing their racehorses, feeding their Bentleys, that sort of thing.

"I think you'll find our new Arab masters to be both kind and gracious. And if they do happen to throw you in jail for five years then you should not have been having hank-panky on a sun lounger in the first place."

He added: "If any women object to the new arrangement I have been advised to hit you with a bamboo cane and take away your credit cards.

"If any homosexuals object to the new arrangement I have been advised to feed you to the palace leopards."

The prime minister said the wholesale purchase of the country by Arab billionaires would have no impact on everyday life with the exception of a crackdown on alcohol consumption, an extension of the blasphemy laws to include Islam and harsh new restrictions on the BBC.

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Horror As BT Couple Re-Establish Contact

BRITAIN recoiled in horror last night as the BT broadband couple took their first tentative steps towards reconciliation.

Amid falling house prices, the looming recession and the trauma of Andrew Sachs's Penis-Gate, the country has gained some measure of comfort from the knowledge that the mind-numbingly tedious relationship seemed to have been destroyed for good.

But millions were sickened this week as the tousle-haired ginger streak of piss eagerly answered a call from that appalling woman.

Now the broadcasting watchdog Ofcom has been inundated by angry viewers desperate to know if the relationship really is over or whether they should simply wreck their televisions with a hammer.

Media analyst Martin Bishop said: "People were naturally disappointed to see the ginger streak of piss return to their screens as he indulged in a new found laddishness by spending time with a single friend, drinking beer from a can and expressing his enthusiasm for pay-per-view football matches as opposed to minority interest satellite channels.

"He remained a comprehensively awful bastard but at least he did seem to have detached himself permanently from that hellish cow.

"Now it seems the good people at BT – and I assume they are all women – would like them to get back together again."

He added: "This will ultimately lead to a mumbled proposal, an awkward wedding where nobody smiles and eventually the joyless birth of a miserable child.

"And all of this despite the fact that they obviously don't enjoy each others' company."