PRIME minister Gordon Brown returned to the UK last night after successfully negotiating the purchase of you by some Arabs.
The billionaire rulers of the Gulf states have agreed to shore-up the ailing British economy in exchange for the lifelong commercial rights to you and your family.
Under the deal the chief breadwinner in every UK household will work nine months of the year in Saudi Arabia, Qatar and Dubai, but will be allowed to send money home for essential items like petrol.
Mr Brown said: "It'll be mainly light domestic duties. Polishing their racehorses, feeding their Bentleys, that sort of thing.
"I think you'll find our new Arab masters to be both kind and gracious. And if they do happen to throw you in jail for five years then you should not have been having hank-panky on a sun lounger in the first place."
He added: "If any women object to the new arrangement I have been advised to hit you with a bamboo cane and take away your credit cards.
"If any homosexuals object to the new arrangement I have been advised to feed you to the palace leopards."
The prime minister said the wholesale purchase of the country by Arab billionaires would have no impact on everyday life with the exception of a crackdown on alcohol consumption, an extension of the blasphemy laws to include Islam and harsh new restrictions on the BBC.