BT Adverts Cause 40% Drop In National IQ

THE BT adverts featuring that bastard couple are causing Britain’s average IQ to fall off a cliff, according to new research.

Median British IQ has dropped 46 points since the launch of the campaign which follows the relationship between a ginger streak of piss, his slightly older, dead-eyed girlfriend and the simpering offspring she has with a Jigsaw jumper-wearing silver fox who looks like a baddie from Bergerac.

Experts now believe Britain is being made even more dense by the campaign’s toxic combination of hateful characters, ‘storylines’ and criminally pointless dialogue.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “We have recently been treated to a scenario where streak-of-piss and his ethnically and demographically-diverse, but equally insufferable friends, are enjoying ‘beers’ and ‘banter’ while struggling to watch some banal, vanilla internet porn.

“When the black guy says ‘your software’s pants’ you can feel everyone in Britain dying, just a little bit. But because of what the BBC has done to British television, this is now regarded as a quality drama serial.

“Our society has become so conditioned to being treated with such utter contempt that we no longer have the will or strength to get out of our chairs and pull the entire bloated, festering carcass to the ground and hack it to pieces with scythes and chainsaws, before painting our naked bodies and performing a sexually charged pagan dance ritual around the dismembered chunks while holding burning torches and singing Debaser at the top of our lungs.

“I’m sorry, what was the question?”

But mother-of-two, Nikki Hollis, said: “I really like those adverts. It’s the whole will-they-won’t-they thing, isn’t it?

“Will they contract the ebola virus from an infected BT hub and bleed horribly and graphically to death, haemorrhaging from every orifice as they twist and contort in the throes of unimaginable agony?

“Or won’t they?”


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Doctors Call For End To NHS Witch-Bobbing

FUNDING for crone divination should be scrapped, the British Medical Council said last night.

Fifty NHS hospitals, all of them based in the North, currently offer treatments for dark art dabbling to the local community.

But wide-ranging government cuts have required a review of all procedures developed before 1465, or involving the consumption of any ingredient with the suffix ‘bane’.

A BMA spokesman said: “There is no scientific proof that these methods work, although when Jan Moir accidentally fell into a witch-ducking pool at Manchester General Hospital, she did turn into a swarm of flies.

“They hovered over the sexual health clinic for half an hour, attacking all the outpatients, before heading off toward Canal Street, buzzing furiously.”

The NHS spends over £80m a year interrogating cats and reading dove entrails to investigate reported cases of witchcraft.

Cures have become more difficult to effect since clean air regulations and mandatory recycling have outlawed live burial and human bonfires.

Dr Martin Bishop, a consultant Witchfinder in Carlisle, has defended the work of his department, despite having failed to conclusively prove a case of witchcraft since 1972, when a woman was admitted to his ward after locals discovered she could read.

He said: “What the critics choose to ignore are the many people who feel better after we’ve stuck pins into their grandmother for a bit to see if she’ll bleed.

“There’s no ‘scientific evidence’ to prove it works, but what does ‘science’ really mean anyway?”