Or We Could Just Hang Them All, Britain Tells Clarke

JUSTICE secretary Kenneth Clarke still thinks there are people in Britain who do not believe in capital punishment for just about everything, it emerged today.

As Mr Clarke set out a new approach to penal reform, including fewer custodial sentences and a greater focus on rehabilitation, people across the country said that sounded absolutely fine, as long as it also involves hanging them at some point.

Mr Clarke insisted that prison does not work and is becoming increasingly expensive, as Britain listened quietly, nodded and then said: “Ken – d’you know what’s really cheap? Six feet of rope.”

Tom Logan, perched at the end of his tether in Peterborough, added: “I always thought Ken Clarke was a populist politician who understood the man in the street. Turns out he’s some sort of ponce.”

Helen Archer, a tightly wound ball of hate from Doncaster, said: “I’ve no problem with petty criminals doing community service for a couple of weeks – picking up litter, painting fences and what not – as long as at the end of it they are taken from this place to another place, etc etc.”

And Julian Cook, a steadily worsening facial tick from Hatfield, added: “I don’t think we should execute murderers – they should be kept alive so we can study their twisted minds. And of course drug dealers should be set free immediately, as competition drives down prices.

“What I’m talking about is the grubby thieves who force you to lock your doors and pay higher insurance premiums. I’m talking about vandals who spray their ‘tags’ on beautiful, 18th century buildings or the greasy thugs who mug old ladies for fun.

“And I’m talking – of course – about people who do not indicate at roundabouts.

“No doubt there will be those who say it’s all very well talking about it but who among us would truly be willing to pull the lever? To those people I say, ‘If you try and stop me from executing someone who invents computer viruses that force me to update my PC every 30 seconds, I’ll do you first, you hippy arsehole’.”

Sociologist Nathan Muir said: “Britain is a liberal country. Homosexuality, abortion and women are no longer regarded as evil while an increasing number of people believe in the legalisation of fantastic drugs.

“But if you even think about stealing my car, I want you fucking dead.”

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England Players Tired After Long Season Of Travelodge Skanks

FOOTBALL chiefs are to consider a reduction in the number of spray-tan trollops that top-flight players have to wheelbarrow in a motorway hotel.

As the England squad arrived back from South Africa, officials said the players were tired after a long season of driving their childish cars to the High Wycombe Travelodge for wanton, beer-fuelled intercourse with wave upon wave of ghastly, fake-titted ultra-skanks.

An insider said: “We need to take a fresh look at the league schedule and see if during European Championship and World Cup years we can finish the season that bit earlier so the players are not still chin-deep in filthy, fame-hungry little strumpets come the middle of May.

“When you add the league campaign, the FA and Carling Cups and European club competitions, the last thing a player needs is more than, say, 30 blonde, pox-ridden floozies homing in on him like he’s a big, stupid bastard with too much money.”

But leading figures in the game have dismissed skank-rationing as too difficult to police and insist it would be much simpler to identify a new generation of promising young players and then hack their testicles off.

Former England manager Graham Taylor said: “They could keep some sperm in a little cup so they’re still able to start a family when they retire from international football.

“In the meantime we’d have a world class squad full of alert, focused eunuchs, all with that extra bit of pace because they won’t have a big, annoying scrotum continually getting in the way.”

Meanwhile Fifa president Sepp Blatter has apologised to England for Frank Lampard’s goal being disallowed, adding: “And that’s the same apology I gave to your mommas last night.”

Fifa has also confirmed that a number of items were taken from the England players’ rooms on Sunday, including underwear, a medal and a Fisher Price Play Centre.

A source said: “I’m sure that whoever stole Wayne Rooney’s underpants will now realise that all the money in the world is no substitute for a lesson in basic personal hygiene.”