Builder to leave van in pub car park for next decade

A BUILDER has confirmed plans to abandon his van in a pub car park for the foreseeable future.

Tom Booker has just purchased a new Transit for his building work, which he will drive to the pub later and then leave there until it has moss growing on it.

Booker said: “I’ve had ‘TB Building and Plastering Services’ stencilled on the side and put a nice new ladder on the roof rack, now I can’t wait to drive it to the pub and leave it there forever.”

Booker’s van will join four other builders’ vans that are permanently parked outside the Rose & Crown pub for no apparent reason.

He added: “People will look at it and wonder if I got pissed and lost the keys. But it’s more complicated than that.

“The ways of the builder are strange to normal people, like how we do a job for half a day and then ditch it, leaving all our stuff behind and not answering our mobiles.

“But we are a deeply spiritual trade with our own customs that seem obscure to the outsider, like a Native American tribe that drinks a shitload of tea.”

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Man at dinner party gazes longingly at five-a-side goal in garden

A MAN in his 40s has spent a whole dinner party looking through the window at the five-a-side goal in the back garden.

The evening involved Hobbs, his wife and their friends talking about the EU over relatively expensive wine. While other guests seemed to enjoy the evening, Hobbs thought it was basically a load of shit and craved a kick around.

Hobbs said: “I mean sure it’s great to sit around eating cheese and that but wouldn’t it be a laugh to just go and have a penalty shoot out in the garden?”

I’ll even go in goal first. There are footballs out there and gloves too by the look of it.”

Hobbs was told by his wife to ‘stop going on about the goal in the garden and join in the conversation.’

He then opened a bottle of real ale and quietly muttered “This is bollocks” before the group moved into the lounge to talk about the films of Yorgos Lanthimos.