Friends rally round to make break-up worse

AN EX-COUPLE’S friends have rallied round during their break-up to try and make it all much worse.

Following the end of their three-year relationship, Tom Logan and Susan Traherne have found themselves surrounded by friends telling them to do ill-advised, borderline insane things.

Logan said: “My friend Karen said I should follow her around like a private eye to see if she’s got a ‘fancy man’.

“I’m sure she hasn’t and I’m not trained in covert surveillance so Susan would spot me easily. Then I’d be sad about being arrested for stalking on top of being sad about breaking up.”

Traherne said: “According to my best friend Ruth I should take all his stuff to a charity shop then scratch the word ‘pig’ onto his car bonnet. That seems a bit excessive when the split was a mutual thing because we’re too different.

“Meanwhile my friend from work Ben has helpfully offered to shag me.”

Logan is currently opting to look at pictures of Traherne and feel wistful, rather than his friend Pete’s suggestion of “getting totally wankered on Class As and pulling some tarts”.

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Boris has Marxist column ready to go in case that becomes popular

BORIS Johnson has prepared a magazine article about how great Marxism is, it has emerged.

In the unpublished opinion piece Seizing the Dream, Johnson passionately argues that the time is right for the working classes to take control of factories and execute Alan Sugar.

He writes: “While our children dress in rags, our masters have grown fat and bloated on the toil of the exploited proletariat.

“These greedy fatcats, soaked in the blood of the masses, produce nothing but piffle and hot air, and the day is nigh when the tide of history will dissolve them like lemon sherbert.

“In the words of my political hero Mao Tse-Tung, political power grows out of the barrel of a gun. When the revolution comes, the lickspittles of the ruling elite will be the first against the wall.”

Political analyst Helen Archer said: “This article dates from when Boris was deciding whether to join the Conservatives or the Workers’ Revolutionary Party. 

“He decided to hang onto it in case communism starts to look like the hot meal ticket.”

Boris Johnson said: “I made a persuasive argument for swift and bloody revolution to demonstrate how little I believed it. My hammer-and-sickle tattoo and my senior role in the Class War Party were jolly student pranks.”