Terrifying headmistress quite prepared to make Scotland re-sit referendum

SCOTLAND must keep re-sitting its referendum until it puts the right answer, according to its headmistress.

The nation has received an angry letter home, addressed to its parents, warning that it may have to do the test again after an extremely disappointing first result.

The letter said: “I know it’s trendy in some teaching circles to talk about there being ‘no right or wrong answer’. That’s not the fucking case here.

“There’s one question, and the answer’s ‘yes’. Or ‘no’, depending on how the question is phrased.

“Anyway I’ll tell you that nearer the time, then you just put your muddy paw print in the correct box.

“Summer holidays are cancelled until we get this right. Also I may have to ban football.”

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Britain either entering new golden age or totally f**ked

THE UK is entering a new era of glory or is totally and utterly screwed, experts have confirmed.

Post-Brexit data shows that the economy is either expanding at an incredible rate or collapsing so fast that the UK will be renamed ‘Little China’ by Thursday.

Economist Mary Fisher said: “It’s clear now that Britain will become a world-beating economy or a depressing shithole where people collect bits of wire for a living and only celebrities go to the dentist.

“Buoyant consumer spending could mean the economy is in good shape, or people are just thick bastards who keep buying t-shirts while disaster looms.

“Maybe learn a new high-tech skill like computer programming but also something practical like poaching.”

Sales manager Roy Hobbs said: “I’m not sure what’s happening but if we start the British Empire again I’ll join the navy and be like Russell Crowe in Master and Commander.

“But if it all goes the other way I’ll have a little Punch and Judy show that I carry on my back, wandering between villages entertaining soot-smeared children in return for a meal of stewed fox.”