Builders arrive on time

SOME builders have been accused of turning up when they said they would.

Wayne and Sandra Hayes, from Carlisle, hired local firm BestTrade to lay a new patio but were disgusted when the builders arrived on time and began work, rather than staring at it for an hour.

Wayne Hayes said: “I’d bought a catering pack of teabags and a sack of sugar, but they brought their own flasks. It felt like an imposition.

“You brace yourself for having to flush the turd of a complete stranger from your own toilet and they don’t even set foot in the house.

“I’m not sure what kind of cowboy-free outfit they’re trying to run.”

Hayes emailed his concerns to the company and was dismayed to receive a quick and friendly response that was not riddled with spelling mistakes and veiled threats.

The firm offered to knock 10 percent off the quoted price, on the understanding it was paid by cheque so the correct tax could be declared.

Hayes said: “My only hope is that all falls to bits after 18 months like I’d expected.”

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Daniel Craig cannot find anything better than Bond at local Jobcentre Plus

ACTOR Daniel Craig has discovered that playing James Bond is better than almost every other job.

After claiming he would rather slash his wrists than continue pretending to be a debonair super-spy, Craig visited his nearest Jobcentre Plus to explore alternative careers.

He said: “It took me ages to get the touch-screen computers on the ‘Jobpoint terminals’ working because they were quite dirty.

“There was a lorry driving job that looked okay, but it was weird hours, I don’t have a HGV license and the salary was far less than my usual £10.7 million.

“I did see something doing soldering in a factory, it was only £8 an hour but probably my agent could negotiate £11,000 per hour plus a percentage of total factory revenue.

“But when I rang up and said my previous experience was mainly making cars jump over trains and having showers with sexy women they put the phone down.

“There were jobs going at McDonald’s, but I reckon if Monica Bellucci came in and I had the uniform on she wouldn’t fancy me any more.

“Although I suppose I could give her free chips which might impress her.”