Buy-to-let landlords just in it for the twisted power trip

BRITAIN’S middle class landlords have admitted that they are just like Walter White from Breaking Bad.

Following stamp duty increases on buy-to-let properties, Britain’s landlords confirmed that the money is less important than the twisted sense of power.

67-year-old Roy Hobbs said: “The cash is great, don’t get me wrong, and I also love using the word ‘portfolio’ to describe the ex-council flat I rent out, but it’s really all about being in charge. I’ve been pushed around all my life and it’s high time I got to fuck someone else over.

“I make the tenants call me ‘El Diablo’ because if they do not I can have them tossed out on the street with all the other vermin.

“When I turn up to do my random ‘decorative repair spot checks’ their children cower in the corner as my shadow falls over them. It’s like a drug.”

Hobbs’s wife Emily said: “The tenants said the boiler was leaking and I just said ‘oh dear, I’ll tell Roy’ with the clear subtext that nothing would be done. We are the puppet masters.

“We’ve always pretended we do this to pay for our retirement or for our grandchildren’s education or some bullshit, but we would be landlords for free. It’s our main pleasure in life apart from watching Dragon’s Den.”

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Man deeply in love with his logs

A 43-YEAR-OLD man has become so emotionally attached to the seasoned hardwood logs in his woodshed that he is refusing to let anyone burn them.

Stephen Malley, from Darlington, took delivery of a mixed load of ash, cherry and birch last April and since then has been spending an increasing amount of time re-stacking them.

Malley’s wife Sophie said: “He told he was moving them around to allow a free flow of air, but when I came out to bring him a cup of tea I found he was stroking them and singing Angels by Robbie Williams.

“He told me they smelled so fresh and natural it reminded him of the first time he buried his face in a girl’s hair.”

At the weekend Malley bought several sacks of coal and announced that the wood was not yet ready to burn and would only give off smoke, risking a chimney fire.

He said: “The logs have such potential to bring warmth and joy to the world, yet my family just tosses them on the fire without a thought. It is like a song by Supertramp.”