Cafe customer plugs in laptop, kettle and toaster

A MAN in a cafe has plugged in his computer and various items of kitchen equipment, it has emerged.

Laptop worker Tom Booker decided that he might want a hot drink or some toast while seated at the table he treats as his private office.

He said: “I like to keep working throughout lunchtime, with my stuff spread out in a passive aggressive manner so that nobody can share the table.

“But of course I don’t want to buy anything, and the cafe owners selfishly do not provide customers with complementary tea-making facilities, so I’ve had to bring a toaster and kettle.

“Some people gave me funny looks but I’ve brought my own teabags so they can fuck off.

“Tomorrow I might bring a microwave but they’re quite heavy to carry.”

He added: “It’s people like me that give this place its fun, silent vibe.”

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Millions of women left unabused after Twitter outage

WOMEN across the world experienced a 50-minute gap in online abuse last night after Twitter was hit by technical problems. 

The microblogging site’s outage hit shortly after 11pm and was immediately noticed by panicked users who had not been called feminazis for up to 120 seconds.

Susan Traherne of Leeds, who recently made the mistake of defending the Equal Pay Act in a 2013 blog post, said: “I knew something was wrong when my phone stopped buzzing.

“When I looked at my mentions there were no anime avatars, no libertarians, no proud vaping atheists and worst of all not a single egg.

“Nobody was telling me to make them a sandwich. Nobody was telling me to get a sense of humour, grow a pair or simply fuck off.

“I didn’t know who I was any more. Thank God they got it back on before midnight, or my self-esteem might have recovered.”

A Twitter spokesman said: “Unfortunately our network occasionally collapses under the sheer weight of misogynistic vitriol.

“We try to encourage users to go outside and abuse women in real life, but apparently they’re too fearful to speak in their actual presence.”