Calais migrants relocated to UK’s fevered imagination

THOUSANDS of migrants from the Calais ‘Jungle’ camp have been relocated into the minds of paranoid Britons.

After the camp was bulldozed, hundreds of former residents took up permanent residence in the immigration-obsessed brains of Mail and Express readers.

Pensioner Roy Hobbs said: “I can see it clearly in my imagination. The bloody French put them on a boat and dropped them off on the beach at Margate with a map to the nearest benefits office.

“They reached our village overnight, with gangs of young men dropping cigarette ends and leering at Mrs Greaves in the Post Office, before entering my head while I slept.

“It’s not right feeling like a foreigner in your own morbid fantasies.”

Office worker Nikki Hollis said: “I’ve got a two migrant families who are living in my head after digging a tunnel under my left ear.

“Even now I can hear them telling me to go and eat a large cake.”

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Tyre fitter used to be fairly well-known rave MC

A GARAGE worker used to be a relatively popular rave MC, he has revealed.

45-year-old tyre fitter Tom Logan revealed his past fame to customer Mary Fisher after spotting a Ministry of Sound CD in her car.

He said: “If you like raving you might remember MC Rushmaster J? I used to say things like ‘hold tight for the rush’ and ‘time to get your rush on’ and ‘rush, rush, can’t get enough’.”

Fisher lied and said that she thought she had, while Logan explained how once he MC-ed for Grooverider at the Brunel Rooms in Swindon, as well as working with Sasha at a rave in a former carpet factory near Stoke.

Logan added: “I was MC-ing up to three times a month at some massive events and I was on two Fantazia tape packs around 1996 or ’97.”

He then went to prison for a bit before deciding to focus on fitting tyres, although he is planning an Ibiza tour next year funded by his friend who runs a successful double glazing firm near Trowbridge.

However his rambling monologue was cut short by garage manager Judge Jules telling him to get on with it and stop bothering the customers.