Cameron savours nation’s disappointment

DAVID Cameron has declared the collective misery of the nation after Andrew Murray’s defeat to be absolutely delicious.

The laminated prime minister, who devoured a 64-year-old spinster and stole her ticket to ensure he would be at the Wimbledon men’s final, was seen slowly loosening his belt as the afternoon took an unfortunate turn.

One onlooker said: “Every time Murray lost a point Cameron grunted and patted his stomach. When Murray lost the first set he belched loudly and wiped his greasy lips with a napkin.

“By the time Murray was being forced to cry by Sue Barker, Cameron was leaning back in his seat and said he couldn’t possibly eat another mouthful. The buttons on his waistcoat were straining open and you could see the scaly, near-translucent skin underneath.

“On his way out I saw him kick a kid into a puddle as a palate cleanser before tipping a steward a tiny amount for his meal.”

Aides recently warned the Prime Minister that he has been over-indulging his psychic vampirism, and that if he continues to gorge himself he will seriously damage his digestive system and have to lay off doing anything wilfully upsetting for at least three months.

They have suggested he read The Guardian until he gets his appetite back under control, as he can binge on moaning and unhappiness which has little actual substance.

Backbencher Denys Finch Hatton said: “Right now he’s like a kid who’s been given the keys to the sweet shop, if you can imagine sobbing pensioners and disabled people as bonbons and sherbert dibdabs.”



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Big grey clouds verbally abusing the UK

DARK clouds have started to hurl insults as well as rain at the British Isles.

It appears that the clouds, which are responsible for a seemingly endless torrent of rain, possess some malevolent intelligence.

Teacher Stephen Malley said: “I was walking home from work without my umbrella when I heard a booming voice say, ‘Hey, look up!’

“It appeared to be coming from the sky. And when I looked up this cloud said, ‘How you like these apples, motherfucker?’ and fired a blast of rain into my face.

“I angrily shook my fist at the cloud and called it a floating devil, but it simply responded, ‘I’m in the sky, you can’t do shit.””

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “It doesn’t appear that the clouds want anything from us, they’re simply being horrible.”

Big black stratocumulus cloud Tom Logan said: “I can see you, puny humans, rushing into your offices with your coats over your heads. I’ll be waiting for you when it’s time to go home.

“I’ll make you all wet and then you’ll get a cold and die, ha ha ha.”

Mother-of-two Nikki Hollis said: “The government should invest in cloud-busting machines. They’re like big sonic guns you point at the sky, I saw them in an old Kate Bush video where they seemed to work pretty well.

“They need to do something. There’s a cloud outside my window singing ‘It’s gonna rain forever’ to the tune of Fame.”