Cameron savours nation’s disappointment

DAVID Cameron has declared the collective misery of the nation after Andrew Murray’s defeat to be absolutely delicious.

Nom nom nom

The laminated prime minister, who devoured a 64-year-old spinster and stole her ticket to ensure he would be at the Wimbledon men’s final, was seen slowly loosening his belt as the afternoon took an unfortunate turn.

One onlooker said: “Every time Murray lost a point Cameron grunted and patted his stomach. When Murray lost the first set he belched loudly and wiped his greasy lips with a napkin.

“By the time Murray was being forced to cry by Sue Barker, Cameron was leaning back in his seat and said he couldn’t possibly eat another mouthful. The buttons on his waistcoat were straining open and you could see the scaly, near-translucent skin underneath.

“On his way out I saw him kick a kid into a puddle as a palate cleanser before tipping a steward a tiny amount for his meal.”

Aides recently warned the Prime Minister that he has been over-indulging his psychic vampirism, and that if he continues to gorge himself he will seriously damage his digestive system and have to lay off doing anything wilfully upsetting for at least three months.

They have suggested he read The Guardian until he gets his appetite back under control, as he can binge on moaning and unhappiness which has little actual substance.

Backbencher Denys Finch Hatton said: “Right now he’s like a kid who’s been given the keys to the sweet shop, if you can imagine sobbing pensioners and disabled people as bonbons and sherbert dibdabs.”