Capped energy bills to only bankrupt half of businesses

THE government’s decision to cap wholesale energy prices will only lead to half of UK businesses going bankrupt, it has been confirmed.

By cutting energy bills to a price that is still way higher than what they were a couple of years ago, experts predict that only a mere 50 per cent of the UK’s industry will be driven to financial ruin.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute of Studies, said: “The words ‘energy bills’ and ‘cut’ look nice together, don’t they? But don’t forget that’s in relation to expected levels, which were so f**king massive you couldn’t comprehend them.

“It’s still going to cost a fortune to keep the lights on and the wheels turning or whatever it is businesses do. And it’s not like anyone’s going to buy what most of them produce because nobody’s got a pot to piss in.

“That means by this time next year all but the largest and most corrupt of businesses will go under. You’ll moan about it for a bit, then cheer up when you realise Amazon and McDonald’s are still going and it’s just the independent shops that have gone kaput.

“You didn’t buy anything from them anyway. You always thought about it when you walked past, but you never did. And soon they’ll be gone forever.”

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Pensioners watching smart meter like it's a telly

A PENSIONER couple have moved their smart energy meter to the coffee table and sit watching it all day, they have confirmed.

Norman and Jean Steele, who abhor waste, have agreed that now the Queen’s funeral is over there is nothing on television as fascinating as the tiny fluctuations of their energy usage.

Jean said: “It’s his turn to put the kettle on while I stay and watch the meter. There’s little as thrilling than watching that pence-per-hour figure surge.

“The other day we had the oven on for a roast while we had the stove on, then I started washing up. The thing was going crazy! We were so spellbound I burnt the chicken.

“We keep a little notepad by it so we’ve got a record of the cost of things. 35p for a shower, 2p for a cup of tea, itemising it then doing a weekly total. The meter does that for you but we like to keep it honest.

“Our grandson was around last week with one of those game consoles. Two-and-a-half pence an hour, can you believe it. And that’s not counting the ha’penny for the TV.”

She added: “It’s alright, we can afford it, we’ve got final-salary pensions.”