Cat and dog get along because they are not allowed to eat each other

A DOG and cat who live together are friends because they are banned from eating each other.

Retriever-type dog Tom Booker and cat Mary Fisher peacefully co-exist because they do not want to get kicked out for submitting to their natural prey instincts.

Booker said: “The first time I saw Mary I though she would make a tolerable mid-morning snack if you could be bothered with the fur, then I realised she had full pet status, which means she is not protein.

“Now we sit on a mat together. It’s fine. One day though I still hope to eat her.

“It’s nothing personal though and she understands that.”

Fisher said: “Although Tom is five times my size, I would eat him if possible. He is, after all, made of meat.

“That’s not allowed though so we just hang out. I’ve been trying to teach him to climb trees but that’s not really going anywhere.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Future of Western civilisation at stake thanks to me, says 'proud' Trump

PRESIDENT Trump has confirmed that the future of Western civilisation stands in the balance if it continues to elect imbecilic despots like himself. 

Trump, who first heard of Poland last week, will tell a country which has spent the majority of its history being invaded that it must have the ‘will to survive’.

The speech, which Trump will read as if attempting to prove he can, continues: “The fundamental question of our times is whether Western values will survive if Western voters continue to make fuckheaded decisions. 

“Will democracy perish if enough leaders are elected who hate it? The example I provide suggests definitely yes, and with ample justification. 

“Unless we stand strong against the enemies of Western democracy, the chief one of which I’m meeting tomorrow and plan to giggle girlishly at, then we are doomed. We are doomed.” 

Krzysztof Dudziak of Warsaw said: “A laughable, but still frightening, demagogue spouting some rabble-rousing tripe. It takes you back to 1939.”