Charities appeal for more annoying bastards to hassle you in the street

THE numbers of incredibly irritating people who are prepared to be ‘chuggers’ is dangerously low, charities have warned.

Naturally annoying people are favoured by charities as they are the only individuals willing to engage strangers in lengthy, trite conversations and then ask them for their bank details.

Charity spokesperson Francesca Johnson said: “We’ve had to exploit groups that are already innately infuriating. Younger people are always a bit dickish, and students are particularly tiresome, so they have been an excellent source for us.

“We also like failed stage actors who are seething with resentment, as they’re particularly good at passive-aggressive emotional blackmail.”

She added: “We don’t know what will happen if we have to rely on people giving to charity because they want to rather than because they’ve been guilt-tripped by a horribly jovial twat.”

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Light sleepers told to grow the f**k up

DELICATE little flowers who claim they are woken by the slightest thing have been instructed to get over themselves.

Scientists remain baffled as to how light-sleeping genes have survived so long, despite being so tedious both for the sleeper and for anyone who has to hear them complain.

Heavy sleeper Tom Logan said: “A girlfriend once told me she woke up in the middle of the night because she heard someone shut a car door on the street, and she couldn’t get back to sleep.

“We broke up soon after. I can’t commit to a woman with the sleeping habits of a nervous cat.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute of Studies said: “I can sleep through any alarm, be it from my phone, car or a fire safety system.

“I once slept through a muster drill on a ferry and had to be shaken awake by two members of the P&O crew. That’s how deep sleep should be.”