Chef claims to eat his chips out of a tin mug at home

A CHEF has claimed that when he has chips at home he eats them out of a tin mug, plant pot or miniature fry-basket. 

Tom Booker, head chef at Metro Bar in Kendal, admits that he is too tired for any fancy cooking at home and usually just throws a few slivers of fried potato into a metal canister. 

He continued: “It’s a knackering job, so in the evening I’m slumped on the settee with just a jam-jar of lager and a toy wheelbarrow of fried chicken. 

“I need a big breakfast because I’m burning carbs all day, so I’ll have a stack of pancakes on a coal-shovel and a vintage glass milk bottle of protein shake before I head out. 

“But I’m such a slob on days off. I can barely be arsed to nail my pizza to a dartboard before I eat it.”

Friend Joanna Kramer said: “He did serve me a meal on a plate once, but it was soup.”

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Don’t even think of standing for PM, Britain warns Branson

BRITONS have warned Richard Branson that a Trump-style political campaign would result in his arse being kicked into the Atlantic.

Office worker Steven Malley, who has already created the #AnyonebutBranson hashtag well in advance of the 2020 General Election said: “You can see the way that twisted, hippy-gone-bad mind of his works.

“He thinks that if that back seat driving gasbag Trump can bring himself to within an ace of becoming President of the United States just by bragging how rich he is, what’s to stop him declaring himself head of Virgin UK?

“Well, we’re here to say, this is Britain. We’re a long way behind Germany, or Scandinavia, or let’s face it anywhere in Europe when it comes to being the sharpest political tools in the box. 

“But we’ve got a long way, a long, long way down before we reach the hayseed levels of a Trump convention. We’re partial but not complete morons.”