Line rental best bargain going, Britain agrees

PAYING £250 a year to rent a landline to receive marketing calls on is worth every penny, Britain has agreed. 

Line rental, a necessity for anyone who wants to illegally download from the internet, is in no way resented by the people of Britain when they look for a new broadband deal.

Tom Booker of Wrexham said: “They don’t mention the cost of line rental when they advertise broadband because there’s no need to. Everyone’s happy to pay it whatever the cost.

“Sure, I get unsolicited texts about PPI claims, but it’s so much more personal when it’s a robot voice on the other end of the phone.

“Plus mums don’t like to phone mobiles because they don’t understand them, and who’d miss out on a lovely long call from mum about her Zumba friend’s dog’s distemper?”

A spokesman for the internet service providers’ association said: “I’m so glad the public understands.

“We’ll also be introducing a standing charge, which is different from line rental because it is.”

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Queen a right old cow, says Sun

THE Queen is such an old cow, the Sun confirmed. 

The newspaper, the subject of an official complaint from the monarch after yesterday’s story claiming she backed Brexit, has responded with 12 pages slagging off the UK’s most hated great-grandmother.

An editorial read: “She lives it up on your money but prefers fancy rugby to football and snooty corgis to honest British bulldogs.

“Sneering Elizabeth covers the walls of her four homes in stuck-up art and never misses a night at the opera, which ordinary Gogglebox-loving Britons would hate.

“We’ve listened in to her private phone calls and she never says anything nice about you and wouldn’t lend you a swan even if you really needed one.”

Royalist Roy Hobbs said: “If it’s a choice between the monarch of our country or a newspaper serving up war, tits and invented transfer deals, I know where my patriotism lies.

“Who the fuck does she think she is? It’s Brexit or the guillotine.”