Child has the dreaded 'non-binary birds and the cisgendered bees' talk

A GUARDIAN-READING couple decided it was time for their 10-year-old daughter to have a painfully right-on talk about contemporary gender issues.

Despite her school providing perfectly good age-appropriate sex education, Helen and Hugh Archer felt that daughter Emily needed extra coaching that was as awkward as it was incomprehensible.

Emily said: “They’ve read a lot about people defining their gender in a non-binary way and decided I should know about it too. I’ve got a suspicion it’s just so they can tell their dinner party friends. 

“The problem is they’ve heard some buzzwords on Radio 4 but don’t understand most of it. Dad tried to explain ‘genderqueer’ saying it was ‘people who are boys and girls at the same time, like worms’. I’m pretty sure that’s really offensive. And wrong.

“Then Mum looked me in the eye and asked if I was unsure about my sexuality. I truthfully said ‘no’, but if I was I’d keep it to myself in case she tried to explain trans-exclusionary radical feminists again. Christ, that was boring. 

“Dad said he was going to ask the manager at our Sainsbury’s if they’d got a policy on non-binary and cisgendered customers. That doesn’t sound embarrassing.

“There wasn’t much in the talk about actual sex. Maybe they haven’t found a podcast about that yet. But if we do personal pronouns at school I’m going to be top of the f**king class.”

Mum Helen said: “We’ve always brought Emily up to be female. We realise now that was wrong. She can adopt any gender identity she chooses, so long as she’s not too much like her father.”

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Wayne Rooney's guide to being a fantastic husband

EVER wondered how Wayne Rooney manages to be such a considerate and desirable spouse? Here the Derby County manager shares his secrets to a blissful marriage. 

Shower your partner with gifts 

Women love presents. Get them a quad bike, a Bentley, or convert a spare room into a pub with full-sized snooker tables so you can have the lads round. Sorry, I meant ‘so they can have the girls round’. Girls like snooker marathons and puking up 15 pints of lager too. I’m not a sexist.

Provide for them financially

It’s a husband’s responsibility to make sure his wife has enough cash, especially when you’ve just got in from a two-day bender and they’re doing your f**king head in. Never make a point of being the breadwinner, just say, ‘Have 20 grand and f**k off and buy some dresses, you moaning cow.’

Be aware of their sexual needs

Women are not always ‘up for it’ like blokes are, so don’t hassle them over sex. Instead call your mates and visit some really dirty prozzies. You get a decent blowjob for once and your partner gets their personal space. It’s just about being considerate, really.

Listen to them 

If your partner’s going through a stressful time – such as a bitchy, pointless, time-wasting court case with Rebekah Vardy – sit down and listen to them. Practise nodding at regular intervals while ignoring their women’s shit. Eventually not a word will penetrate your skull and you can think about more important things, like Derby County and tits.

Be a good parent

Kids are sort of the man’s responsibility too. For me, it’s not just teaching them to kick a football. There’s headers and professional fouls too. And always tell them a bedtime story. My favourite at the moment is: ‘The hungry caterpillar ate all the food. The end.’ No point in being late for the pub.

Give them a Valentine’s Day surprise

With Valentine’s Day coming up, plan a big surprise for them. It could be a trip to Venice, but in my case it’s more likely to be a lurid tabloid scoop about me having a threesome with some hard-faced prostitutes laughing about how paralytically pissed I was. Still, they’ll remember it more than a bunch of flowers.