Child of mummy blogger wondering what he did wrong

THE seven-year-old son of a mummy blogger has discovered the thousands of words written about him and is wondering if it is his fault. 

Julian Cook stumbled across an open WordPress post on his mother’s laptop and began practicing his reading before realising all those nasty things were about him, his baby sister, and Daddy.

Mother Francesca Cook said: “Please come out of the bathroom, Julian. Mummy is so sorry.

“I know it seems like mummy was being mean, but she was being funny! Strangers on the internet like it when I call you a demon! I got a free tote bag!

“I don’t really drink heavily every night the moment you’ve gone to bed, that’s just mummy being silly. And of course I love your drawings and never throw them away!

“Please come out and have a biscuit and this can be our special secret. Daddy doesn’t need to know I call him the fat bee ee double-ell ee en dee.”

Julian said: “I can’t help but blame myself, even though it’s her tearing this family apart.

“Also it’s called ‘Wine and Mumishment’. I don’t understand that, but my gut’s telling me it’s unforgivable.”

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It is now my duty to say those things, says Charles

THE Prince of Wales has accepted that it is now his duty, following his father’s retirement from public life, to say those things to those people. 

Prince Charles is thought to have accepted his responsibility with a heavy heart but recognises that the Duke of Edinburgh’s legacy must continue.

He said: “It is a sad day both for my father and for me, because he enjoyed making those remarks to the same degree that I abhor them.

“But it must carry on, and so over the next month I will visit a Chinese school, a sailing project for gay youths, a rehabilitation centre for amputees, an urban garden in Brixton, and Nigeria.

“I hope you all enjoy the things I will say, and please pardon me if I am hesitant or stumble over my words. They do not come naturally to me.

“Thankfully when I become King this role will pass to my younger brother Andrew, who’ll be fantastic at it.”