Child of smoker thrilled with sturdy new boots and compass

THE child of a smoker is excited about his sturdy new walking boots and ‘military-style’ compass.

Seven year-old Kyle Stephenson was surprised to receive the gifts, but stressed they were ‘really cool’, even if they did seem ‘very practical’.

He added: “I can’t wait until I get to school tomorrow. I’ll step out of my mum’s car and I’ll be like ‘check out my new boots and this amazing compass thing’.”

Kyle’s mother, Rosalyn, said: “The boots cost £85 which is a lot more than I usually spend. It may mean I have to cut down on cigarettes, just not the ones I have in the car.

“Those are some of my favourites.”

She added: “I will eventually explain to him why the government won’t let him in the car anymore. In the meantime, I’ve also bought him this fleece-lined, Gore Tex parka, as worn by the Norwegian Army.

“It’s going to be a very cold winter for Kyle. Because of ‘El Nino’.”

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Ask Holly: Will my souffle remark trigger a Mumsnet vendetta?

Dear Holly,

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: giving birth is easier than baking a souffle. Fair enough, you never have to try and squeeze a 9lb souffle out of an impossibly small exit hole; and it is quite rare for a souffle to cause haemorrhoids, stretch-marks, acid reflux or post-natal depression; nor do souffles make you shit yourself when you take them out of the oven, but you’ve got to admit, they are quite tricky. Do you think those mental Mumsnet women are going to come and get me for saying that?


Bake Off Tent

Dear Nadyia,

Whoever invented a way for mums to get together and do their gossiping on the internet is on a par with the person who invented the atomic bomb. No doubt their initial intentions were good, but they have unleashed a force upon the world so awesome and dreadful, that it threatens the whole of humanity. Mums should be kept in isolation as far as possible and NEVER given access to social media. If that Jeremy Corbyn wants to win the support of kids and dads everywhere, he should stop worrying about Trident and seal Mumsnet in a concrete bunker.

Hope that helps,