Childcare better value than mortgage, say parents

HAVING the children taken away for a bit is more important than having a house, according to parents.

As the cost of childcare overtakes that of the average mortgage, parents said they would rather live in a cardboard box than spend any more time with their children than they absolutely have to.

Father Joseph Turner said: “I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of Ben 10: Omniverse, but I have upwards of 100 conversations about that every day. Or at least the same conversation 100 times.

“I’d sell a kidney to keep my son in nursery, I honestly would.”

Mother-of-two Joanna Kramer said: “You love your children just like you love your parents, which is to say you’re very fond of them when they’re not around and you’re drunk but they’re intolerable in the flesh.

“Food, shelter and clothing are minor concerns compared to the human need not to be wiping somebody else’s arse for eight years.

“Sometimes, when the kids have gone to bed, my husband and I open a bottle of wine and watch that Ken Loach film Cathy Come Home where her children are forcibly taken into care by Social Services. I do love a happy ending.”

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Battle re-enactors volunteer for Crimean war

BRITAIN’S historical battle re-enactors have volunteered their services for the forthcoming Crimean war.

Men fascinated by military history and dressing up fancy are eager to recreate Britain’s victory in the 1853 conflict by taking on the Russian army.

Bank manager Roy Hobbs said: “We’re incredibly excited about fighting the Russians with nothing but our replica smoothbore muskets.

“Our troops are fully mobilised for the Crimea, by which I mean our wives have ironed our Redcoat uniforms, made us packed lunches and informed the Ministry of Defence we’ve got Easyjet tickets on standby.

“We’ll hire a minibus to take us from Sevastopol airport to the battlefield, then march slowly in a line towards the enemy positions full of tense Russian soldiers armed with AK-47s while shouting ‘Death to the Tsar!’

“Once we’ve defeated them like we did in 1856 we’ll probably all go to the pub. They say war is hell, but in my experience it’s also a really good day out.”

However, some strategists questioned the military wisdom of pitting untrained and over excited history buffs up against professional soldiers in an advanced state of battle-readiness.

Hobbs’s wife Fiona said: “They should at least take the fake cannon they made for the Battle of Naseby which blows a puff of smoke out of the end. That might scare the Russians a bit.

“Still, it can’t be any worse than when they did the Charge of the Light Brigade. That was a total disaster, thanks to all the rain.”