THE UK’s children have increased their price for not being little bastards during half-term.Fuck you, pay me
Pre-adolescents are still open to offers of sweets, cinema visits, toys or their cash equivalent but indicated that times have changed since last year.
Eight-year-old Helen Archer said: “You think we’re gonna be bought off by a trip to soft play? My friend, I just doubled my price.
“Try soft play and a blue slushie and a balloon and we’re still just getting started.
“You give with the goods and maybe, maybe you don’t find a horse’s head in your bed tomorrow, and maybe that horse isnt Rainbow Dash and you won’t be playing My Little Pony at 5.30am.
The children have warned that offers of fruit, craft sessions at the library or educational play with wooden toys will be taken as a declaration of war.
Parenting organisations have cautioned that paying blackmailers only escalates demand, with a handful of Star Mix on Monday inevitably leading to a Wii U by the end of the week.
Mother of three Mary Fisher said: “Theyre already bleeding me white, and now they want more?
Okay, okay, Ill remortgage the house, Ill do anything. Just please stop screaming.