Thursday, 4th March 2021

Children warned when mummy picks them up from school she will be pissed

THE nation’s mothers have told their children that mummy might need a little bit of help with walking straight when she comes to get them from school. 

Carolyn Ryan adviser her two children: “It’s been a very hard six months for mummy, keeping you two entertained all day every day. So mummy deserves a little treat.

“Mummy, and Josh’s mummy and Elsa’s mummy and all the other mums are all going to the Golden Lion and having something called an ‘all-dayer’.

“Mummy is going to get more drunk than she’s been since she was 18. Mummy will be doing yards of ale and shots and being sick then staggering back to the bar for more. Because she needs to unwind.

“You do remember the way home from school, don’t you? Good. Because by 3pm, mummy won’t.”

Headteacher Francesca Johnson said: “We will be covering parental inebriation, or ‘Mummy’s being funny’ in our assemblies this week.

“It’s essential our pupils are prepared for their mothers to be steaming because now they’re at school they’ll no longer have the context of seeing her sneak a glass or three with lunch.”