Chillax, and seven other mutant words that should never have been born

SOME words created from smashing two others together are useful, like internet or biopic. These ought to have been drowned at birth:

Chillax – from chill and relax

Said by people who venerate prosecco, observe gin o’clock nightly and whose kitchens have wanky wooden boards saying ‘In this house happiness is homemade’. Chillax ought to be repurposed to mean ‘Children, look away as I smash your parents’ wanky wooden boards with an axe’.

Floordrobe – from floor and wardrobe

You’re not a 16-year-old wallowing in a torpor of masturbation. You’re in your 40s with a flat, a car and a responsible job. So stop leaving your clothes on the bedroom floor and put them in the wardrobe or at least on a twatty little rail. And stop eating toast in bed.

Japandi – from Japanese and Scandinavian

The latest interior design trend is a mash-up of Japanese minimalism and Scandinavian functionality, like if Ikea sold paper-and-bamboo desks. We have a good shot at killing the word before it gains traction if we pull together in a show of British unity not seen since Boaty McBoatface. All we need to do is kill anyone who says Japandi.

Glamping – from glamorous and camping

Camping sucks. So glamping was invented, allowing couples who want that festival vibe without the all-pervading dampness to sleep in yurts and discuss their property portfolios as they sip Sauvignon Blanc in a wooden hot tub. Costs the same as a hotel.

Gastropub – from gastronomy and pub

To transform your pub into a gastropub throw all your plates in a skip and replace them with anything, absolutely anything. Bits of slate your roofer mate can’t be arsed to flytip, cut-up planks dredged from the canal, the covers of old Guinness World Record books. Then offer burgers stabbed with a toothpick served with chips in a shoe.

Chuggers – from charity and muggers

The reason for the death of the high street? Chuggers. To go shopping is to run a gauntlet of young people pestering you for money and making you feel guilty for buying clothes you don’t need and won’t wear. You don’t get that at home, unless you’ve got kids.

Twincest – from twins and incest

Made famous by Game of Thrones, which featured twins Cersei and Jaime Lannister at it in the monarchical tradition. But when are we likely to need this term again? Hopefully never?

Brexit – from Britain and exit

An utter omnishambles as it now appears Boris Johnson knew on day one. The twunt.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

New Chelsea manager grudgingly agrees to earn £20m for half-arsed six months

MAURICIO Pochettino will today reluctantly agree to earn eight figures for doing a shit job as Chelsea manager until November. 

The manager, who has already won nothing with Tottenham and the bare minimum at Paris Saint-Germain, has agreed to take over at Chelsea because he had nothing much on this year and the money will come in handy.

He said: “Sometimes, when you’re asked to bank a mighty fee for an abortive and short stint in a money pit, you just have to sigh, bow your head and reluctantly accept it’s your turn.

“God knows I don’t want to be Chelsea manager. Nobody does. ‘Give it to one of these young ones,’ I said. ‘Let Jaissle from Red Bull Salzburg have a go.’ But they thought I was playing hard to get, doubled the fee and added a huge dismissal package.

“‘Come on,’ I said. ‘Surely there’s better than me out there.’ They showed me the next name on the shortlist and it was Brendan Rodgers.

“So I’m in. I’m pretty confident I can keep them up. We’ll blow a few hundred million in the summer on players I’ve weakly argued against, hang around the top four until autumn and then I’ll be sacked after a run of shit results and be my own man again.

“Nobody understands the pressure top managers are under. Still, at least it’s not Spurs.”