THE Church of England has announced that its new core purpose is running ‘laser tag’ games.
The church’s business model previously revolved around weddings, but threatened obligations to perform services for homosexuals forced it to re-focus.
Quasar, or laser tag, is a team game involving plastic pretend guns that are basically torches, which reached moderate popularity circa 1995.
The Rt Rev Tom Logan said: “C of E Quasar is a fast-paced combat experience that is ideal for stag events, birthday parties or mildly spiritual corporate team building.
“From the vestry to the belfry, church buildings are rife with zapping potential.
“Your C of E Quasar experience will be accompanied by an elderly man playing 90s techno anthems on a massive organ. Also we’ve got strobes and smokes machines which look mental with the light from the stained glass windows.
“I’m sure that Jesus and his disciples, were they around in corporeal form today, would have relished the thrill of running around a big shadowy building, blasting Lucifer and his forces of darkness with beams of spiritual light.
“Especially when Jesus scored a direct hit on Lucifer’s ‘body vest’ so that it bleeped and vibrated, kind of like a mobile phone but much more exciting.”