Church pins hopes on Quasar

THE Church of England has announced that its new core purpose is running ‘laser tag’ games.

The church’s business model previously revolved around weddings, but threatened obligations to perform services for homosexuals forced it to re-focus.

Quasar, or laser tag, is a team game involving plastic pretend guns that are basically torches, which reached moderate popularity circa 1995.

The Rt Rev Tom Logan said: “C of E Quasar is a fast-paced combat experience that is ideal for stag events, birthday parties or mildly spiritual corporate team building.

“From the vestry to the belfry, church buildings are rife with zapping potential.

“Your C of E Quasar experience will be accompanied by an elderly man playing 90s techno anthems on a massive organ. Also we’ve got strobes and smokes machines which look mental with the light from the stained glass windows.

“I’m sure that Jesus and his disciples, were they around in corporeal form today, would have relished the thrill of running around a big shadowy building, blasting Lucifer and his forces of darkness with beams of spiritual light.

“Especially when Jesus scored a direct hit on Lucifer’s ‘body vest’ so that it bleeped and vibrated, kind of like a mobile phone but much more exciting.”




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French teach English meaning of 'ennui'

ENGLAND’S opening Euro 2012 game against France has taught fans what cheroot­-smoking philosophers have been going on about all these years.

Following a match demonstrating that man is a flawed, pointless creature crawling across the face of an indifferent planet, UK universities have reported record number of enquiries about courses involving existentialism, nihilism and drinking huge cups of coffee whilst looking indifferent.

Englandist Wayne Hayes said: “Before the match I had my face painted, I was ringing a cow bell and was screaming profanities at the stewards, but by about the 60th minute I was discussing the theatre of Artaud with my mate Barry The Fucker.

“When we get back to Carlisle we’re going to see if our local boozer can organise beat poetry readings and carafes of cheap, barely palatable wine.”

England’s ‘Barmy Army’, famous for tunelessly thumping out songs on instruments apparently found in giant Christmas crackers, had been barred from the ground by authorities who found them unlistenable despite having been raised on Polish pop music.

However, since the France game they have reformed as an atonal jazz combo called ?StGeorge? and hope to be allowed into the game against Sweden on Friday to perform their three ­hour concept piece L’Albion C’est Merde.

The game against Sweden could deepen England’s philosophical malaise, with many predicting a dour 0­-0 draw that references Ingmar Bergman’s 1957 classic The Seventh Seal as Steven Gerrard cries out for help from a creator who cannot hear him, although in the case of Roy Hodgson this will probably be because he is a bit deaf.

Hayes said: “After supporting England for 30 years I have finally learned that true meaning must come from within, rather than through blind devotion to a mythical, unrealistic construct, such as a side that can reach a final.”