Clarkson to live in a forest entertaining right-wing animals

JEREMY Clarkson has become a wild man who talks to rabbits about how magpies are scroungers.

The troubled Top Gear presenter has abandoned his house for a simpler life in the Forest of Dean, where he inhabits a dwelling made of twigs and recites grumbling monologues to wildlife.

Local farmer Tom Logan said: “He is swathed in furs and his hair grows bushier by the day, like a Tory Grizzly Adams.

“His main audience seems to be a vole and a badger who follow him around, laughing sycophantically at his deliberately objectionable comments about how female wild boar need to shave their facial bristles.

“Clarkson is generally fine if left alone, although when he started telling my Aberdeen Angus herd to piss off back to Scotland I set the dog on him.”

Last week Clarkson received a police caution after he was found trying to stuff a heron into a Renault Megane.

Fox Stephen Malley said: “He seems to particularly have it in for ants, describing them as ‘sexless communists in need of a good orthodontist’, much to the amusement of his vole and badger sidekicks.

“Sometimes he will get a stick and repeatedly bash it against another stick to see which one is best.

“The hedgehogs like watching that, although it makes them flinch.”

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Cameron gives up boyhood dream of being prime minister for 50 years

DAVID Cameron has admitted he will not serve as prime minister for a full five decades.

Cameron said that while he was at Eton he dreamed of being prime minister for 50 years, which would give him ‘just enough time’ to transform Britain into a horribly competitive place full of chain restaurants and foreign billionaires.

But in a BBC interview he said: “Prime ministerial terms are like kicking someone in the groin as hard as you possibly can.

“Doing it twice is incredibly enjoyable, but doing it 10 times can cause you to pull a muscle in your leg.”

Meanwhile, the main rivals for the Tory leadership said this was all very sudden and they would now be forced to begin plotting relentlessly.

Boris Johnson said: “I’ll have to continually upstage two politicians who are nowhere near as popular as I am. If you’ll excuse me, I have to abseil down the Shard in a suit of armour.”

George Osborne said: “If only I’d known, I’d have encouraged loads of articles about how I single-handedly steered the economy back to growth. And I would have got a fancy hair style.”

Theresa May added: “I’ll now have to do the no-nonsense don’t-I-remind-you-of-Thatcher persona I’ve been trying so desperately to avoid. Shut up when I’m talking, you filthy little turd.

Voter Julian Cook, from Stevenage, said: “Looking at the opinion polls, in five years’ time the prime minister will probably be Martin McGuinness.”