Classic car owner dreaming of soulless, reliable modern car

THE owner of a character-filled 1960s car is desperate for one that is comfortable and does not constantly break down, he has revealed.

Graphic designer Stephen Malley’s 1964 Triumph Herald has a timeless elegance but in technological terms makes a Ford Ka look like a spaceship.

Malley said: “The Triumph always gets admiring looks from people, but they’re not living through the daily bloody nightmare of using it as a means of transport.

“The most obvious problem is how incredibly uncomfortable the seats are. A friend gave me a lift in her Vauxhall Astra recently and it was like floating along on a massive silk pillow carried by angels.

“There’s no CD player, obviously, just a feeble radio with no presets, but it does pass the time on long journeys because you have to keep retuning it without crashing into something.”  

Malley said he would like to upgrade to a “snazzy” Fiat Panda or similar, but is permanently skint due to having to buy difficult-to-find spare parts from a company in Wales.

He added: “Don’t get me wrong, I love the Triumph’s retro styling and British craftsmanship, but it’s hard to enjoy it when every trip on the motorway makes you think you’re going to die.

“For my next car I think I’m going to get one of those sporty, high-performance models that can go up hills.”

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UKIP steps up search for new bellend

UKIP is to accelerate its leadership election to fill the bellend void left by Nigel Farage.

The party wants to quickly appoint a git, or possibly even an arse, or face losing the support of Britain’s utter bellends to the reinvigorated Conservative Party.

One of the front-runners is councillor Lisa Duffy, described by various members of the party faithful as ‘who?’ and ‘the Gordon Brown one?’.

The current favourite with bookmakers is Steven Woolfe, viewed as the ‘acceptable face’ of UKIP by people with incredibly low standards.

Whoever becomes leader will have to decide why the party now needs to exist, with many feeling that they should be more vocal on the subject of ghastly foreign cheeses.

Former leader Nigel Farage resigned last month so he could spend more time being one of the reasons people do not go to pubs any more.