Cocktail barman overly concerned about customers making right choice

A COCKTAIL barman cares too deeply about which drink his customers order, it has emerged.

Tom Booker always explains every single thing on the menu in elaborate detail, even if customers are only interested in the alcohol content and whether a drink comes with free peanuts.

While serving a couple, Booker explained: “You could have a Long Island Ice Tea but if you’re not a vodka kinda guy that’s probably not for you.”

“Then we’ve got the Old Fashioned but that depends how much you like your whiskeys or rums.

“I don’t want to pressure you into having a cocktail that is not exactly right for where you are in your life right now.”

Customer Julian Cook said: “He’s just trying to do a good job but we really just wanted to get the fuck on with it. It’s not like we’re buying a house or something.”

Booker said: “I sincerely hope they enjoy them. Really, I do.

“Being a cocktail barman is like being a social worker or a doctor. You’ve really got to love helping people to do it.”

Consider subscribing - so we can write more funny content. .js-article{ display:none;}

Dad imagines detailed scenario where Daisy Lowe goes on date with him

49-YEAR-OLD Wayne Hayes has imagined a situation where Daisy Lowe agrees to go out with him.

Hayes, who is married with two children, has spent several hours imagining how he could meet the model in his local Homebase on a Saturday afternoon.

He said: “Daisy would be looking at paints, comparing the store’s own brand to more expensive ‘name’ alternatives by Dulux.

“She’s looking a bit puzzled by it all, but when she turns around I am leaning confidently on a shelf behind her. Not in a creepy way, but in a cool way.”

In Hayes’s mind, he then explains how the cheaper emulsion may be a false economy due to its inferior quality, which means that Daisy Lowe would need to apply more of it to get the same result.

Hayes continued: “She would smile coquettishly and say, ‘you seem like a man who knows his paint, I bet you also know how to play a woman’s body as if it were a musical instrument’.

“Then she suggests we adjourn to a mid-priced local bistro, where she laughs at my jokes while munching garlic bread in a carefree manner, feeling much more relaxed than she does with her celebrity friends.

“That’s when I check my phone to see three missed calls from my wife wondering where I’ve got to with those self-tapping screws, and I am jerked back to reality with a feeling of sweaty remorse.”

He added: “It could happen.”

Save

Next story ›