Common people have baby

A COMMON couple are celebrating the birth of their third child.

Tom Logan and Emma Bradford, who are not even listed in Debrett’s, welcomed new arrival Ian Logan over the weekend at a common person hospital near Bristol.

Logan said: “We’d like to thank everyone who has helped us thus far, especially my sister who has agreed to walk the dog this morning while we are getting our stuff together.

“I don’t really know what else to say. The staff here are very nice but I’d avoid the ham sandwiches unless you’re desperate.”

The Logan family traces its lineage back to the 1950s, when historical records show that Logan’s great uncle Tony got banned from all the pubs in Yeovil because of some trouble that he always maintained was nothing to do with him.

Emma Bradford’s parents met when they both started their careers in a local engineering firm, working their way up to a semi-detached house in a cul-de-sac and a caravan in Tenby.

Norman Steele, a devoted fan of normal people, said: “I spent the entire weekend standing outside the hospital waving a flag, until a security guard came out and asked me what the fuck I was doing.”

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Roy Chubby Brown confirmed as new home secretary

COMEDIAN Roy Chubby Brown is the new home secretary, Theresa May has confirmed.

The prime minister said: “Chubbs is a real man of the people, he knows how to read a room, plus his material shows a keen awareness of immigration issues and wanking.

“With his loud annoying voice and deliberately absurd appearance he’s like Boris’s working class alter ego, although at least Chubs knows his place and can read an email without accidentally deleting it.

“I’ve told him he can still do two tours a year, provided he deports at least 12,000 people for having passport pictures that are ‘too shiny’. Chubbs thinks that’s realistic.”

She added: “We’ve done our research and found that you people are deeply prejudiced and you also love carveries. So don’t go moaning, because this is what you like.”