Rural hipster only shops in smaller Londis

A VILLAGE-BASED hipster ignores his nearer and larger Londis because it has ‘sold out’, he confirmed. 

Martin Bishop, from Powys, prefers to ride his fixed-gear cycle for 25 minutes to a Londis sympathetically converted from a Post Office than use the local one, which has fluorescent lighting. 

He said: “They used to have craft beers and wasabi peas, and it was just cool, you know? A nice crowd. Pretty sure I saw Laura Marling in there once. 

“Then the suits move in and it loses that character. They rotate their milk on a three-day system instead of a two-day, and the magazine placement is just so obvious.

“I prefer to travel further for something a bit more exclusive. Though I have heard talk of a pop-up Co-op coming to Churchstoke.” 

Friend Stephen Malley said: “Martin also insists on drinking half pints at the local pub, and only eats KP Original Salted Peanuts.

“Last week he told me he preferred cow shit to sheep shit because it was ‘more real.’” 

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Heroic dog saves woman from drunk-dialling her ex

A DOG has been honoured for heroically saving a woman from phoning her ex-boyfriend while wasted.

Five-year-old Baxter has been named ‘the very best boy, yes he is’ after wrestling the iPhone out of his owner Nikki Hollis’s drunken, remorseful and horny hands.

Nail technician Hollis said: “I was hammered. I’d been watching Beyoncé. I felt strong, though I was crying. 

“I’d found him in my contacts under ‘Wanker’ and was about to press and then sing Single Ladies, again while crying, when Baxter leapt up and knocked the phone from my fumbling, pissed hands. 

“Then he started barking and upstairs started banging and I threw up in the kitchen sink. It’s a modern-day miracle.” 

Baxter said: “I’m no hero. Honestly, it was 90 per cent instinct. It’s just Tom’s so bad for her.”