Commuter finally snaps and starts pretending to be a train

A COMMUTER has finally snapped after years of rail strikes and now believes he is a train.

49-year-old Wayne Hayes had become increasingly agitated by rail cancellations, and finally lost his grip on reality when he arrived at his local station this morning to find there was industrial action.

Onlooker Emma Bradford said: “Suddenly he started making train noises and moving his arms in a rhythmical locomotive-style manner.

“‘I am the train’, he said, ‘my name is Mr Chuffs! All aboard!’.

“He then went puffing up and down the platform saying ‘choo choo’ and muttering something about how a range of hot and cold drinks were available from his jacket pocket. I hope he’ll be alright.”

Hayes said: “I’m wasn’t feeling very well earlier, but it was just a temporary thing brought on by stress.

“I’m booked in at the Stevenage depot for a full service so that should see me right.”

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Greedy, aspirational parents make token noises to child about sharing

A PAIR of corporate lawyers are secretly delighted that their son has ignored everything they tell him about sharing his toys.

Norman and Rebecca Steele feel obliged to tell son Amos that he should share with other children, but have admitted that when he takes a toy tractor from another child and runs away they feel like cheering.

Steele said: “Go Amos. Nobody shares in the real world.

“Frankly, and I think I speak for a lot of parents here, we feel Amos is in danger of being held back in his development by low-calibre children who deserve to have their Frubes snatched by a more enterprising individual.

“Political correctness means that we can’t openly encourage our son to be selfish, predatory and contemptuous of his go-nowhere fellow toddlers, but his natural instincts are more than compensating.

“He takes what he want, he doesn’t apologise, and he’s not afraid to scream for hours just because another child has been given a biscuit which is how I got made partner.

“They should stream the children into ‘weak’ and ‘strong’ classes then they could drop all this ‘sharing’ rubbish. Don’t share. This isn’t Norway. Seize. Acquire. Protect. Exploit.”

Amos said: “I’m Amos and I am three years old.”

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