Commuters Forced To Make Contingency Plans Involving Wine

THE proposed four day national rail strike will force millions of commuters across Britain to make alternative arrangements involving a load of wine, it emerged last night.

As a fresh batch of communists outlined their plans to overthrow our way of life, office workers warned that if you give them four days off like that, they are going to hit it like a bastard.

Helen Archer, a marketing executive from Hitchin, said she was drawing up plans to order a case of Riesling and then neck it out of a pint glass while shouting at the television.

She added: "Industrial action of this kind can be very disruptive. Especially when Loose Women comes on – they can hear me half way down the fucking street."

Julian Cook, a tax accountant from Stevenage, stressed that he supported the unions' decision to give him a four day break from the railway system and its stubborn refusal to at least think about removing the constant and overwhelming stench of urine that seems to pervade every square inch of the network.

He said: "I read that the unions are worried about safety so I assume someone has finally noticed the inch and a half of effluent that's beeen swilling around the toilet floor of the 8.03 into Kings Cross since the mid-1990s."

He added: "My plan is to simply continue the Easter holiday for an extra week with a little festival I'm calling 'Ernest and Julio Gallo's Tribute to Jesus'.

"Ironically, if all goes well, by day four I myself should be something of piss-drenched catastrophe."

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said he will be giving his staff the week off, stripping down to his vest and pants and watching series one to three of The West Wing with a case of Bacardi and a cash and carry box of onion rings.

He added: "I'm trying to remember the last strike that made the slightest difference to anything whatsoever. Apart from the miners' strike, obviously, which led to all the miners losing their jobs."