BEING an amateur twat is easy, but if you want to go professional you need a host of qualifications, like these:
Completing a ski season
The odd weekend at Courchevel doesn’t count. You need to prove you’ve spent five months in a French cabin pissing away your days by gliding down a mountain, preferably via an endless bombardment of inane selfies. Only top tier twats can somehow afford to go skiing from November to April and not get bored after a week.
BMW ownership certification
Just as a forklift licence is the hallmark of a good warehouse worker, professional twats are required to possess BMW ownership certification. To obtain this coveted document you not only have to possess a vehicle, you also need to demonstrate an inability to use indicators and a desire for a personalised registration plate. Many aspiring twats fall at this hurdle.
Fluency in banter
The most successful twats speak more than one language, with banter being their second tongue of choice. Picking up the parlance of good-natured ribbing is easy when you’re surrounded by native speakers such as your family, friends and co-workers, making it one of the more achievable qualifications to tick off. If you really want to stand out, master marketing jargon too.
Ability to talk on speakerphone in public
Bellowing into your phone without the other end of the conversation being on speaker is for local league twats. Professionals make sure their phone volume is turned up to the max so everyone in the quiet carriage can overhear what you’re talking about. It doesn’t even have to be urgent. The more meandering and inconsequential, the better.
Five years cryptocurrency experience
Bitcoin, Ethereum, Tether, ideally you’ll be familiar with all of these and more. And as well as trading in them, you’ll have extensive experience of boring dates rigid with how they work. If you can’t explain the difference between blockchain and NFTs to a romantic interest over a candlelit dinner, you will never go pro.
