MANY ninja school-leavers are unfit for even the least dangerous missions, according to leading UK warlords.
Over the last decade, ninja schools have shifted their focus from traditional subjects like Stealth, Throat Cutting and Invisibility towards modern options such as Ninjas In The Media and Kabuki Theatre Studies.
Martin Bishop, a feudal warlord from Stourbridge, said: “We’re seeing supposedly qualified youngsters who can’t even throw a shuriken straight, never mind negotiate a trap-filled enemy stronghold while remaining invisible as the breeze yet deadly as the scorpion’s sting.
“I take them on in good faith, but inevitably they dishonour me, my family and my ancestors with their wretched incompetence.”
He added: “I’ve spoken to other warlords and clan leaders, during periods of fragile truce, and they all say the same. Nowadays I get all my assassins from overseas.”
Margaret Gerving, head teacher at the Red Mantis Community Ninja College in Romford, said: “We’re not just churning out implacable masked killers, we’re trying to create a more well-rounded ninja who can express himself openly and understand his place in society.
“Our students call their sensei by his or her christian name – for instance ‘Toby’ rather than ‘master’. And weapons training sessions are optional, because we appreciate that they might not want to be whirling nunchuks around in a sweaty dojo when it’s a nice sunny day outside.
“It’s a more holistic approach that produces a much happier assassin.”
Stephen Malley, a student at the college, said: “It’s cool, the senseis are a real laugh and you don’t have to wear ninja stuff like in the old days, you can turn up in jeans or whatever.
‘I’m even not sure if I really want to be a ninja. I’ve heard there’s fairly decent money in marketing.”