Concern Grows Over Ninja School Standards

MANY ninja school-leavers are unfit for even the least dangerous missions, according to leading UK warlords.

Over the last decade, ninja schools have shifted their focus from traditional subjects like Stealth, Throat Cutting and Invisibility towards modern options such as Ninjas In The Media and Kabuki Theatre Studies.

Martin Bishop, a feudal warlord from Stourbridge, said: “We’re seeing supposedly qualified youngsters who can’t even throw a shuriken straight, never mind negotiate a trap-filled enemy stronghold while remaining invisible as the breeze yet deadly as the scorpion’s sting.

“I take them on in good faith, but inevitably they dishonour me, my family and my ancestors with their wretched incompetence.”

He added: “I’ve spoken to other warlords and clan leaders, during periods of fragile truce, and they all say the same. Nowadays I get all my assassins from overseas.”

Margaret Gerving, head teacher at the Red Mantis Community Ninja College in Romford, said: “We’re not just churning out implacable masked killers, we’re trying to create a more well-rounded ninja who can express himself openly and understand his place in society.

“Our students call their sensei by his or her christian name – for instance ‘Toby’ rather than ‘master’. And weapons training sessions are optional, because we appreciate that they might not want to be whirling nunchuks around in a sweaty dojo when it’s a nice sunny day outside.

“It’s a more holistic approach that produces a much happier assassin.”

Stephen Malley, a student at the college, said: “It’s cool, the senseis are a real laugh and you don’t have to wear ninja stuff like in the old days, you can turn up in jeans or whatever.

‘I’m even not sure if I really want to be a ninja. I’ve heard there’s fairly decent money in marketing.”


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Novello Judges Sectioned

A GROUP of music ‘experts’ were last night being assessed by
psychologists after Lily Allen won three awards for song writing.

Tests will establish whether the Ivor Novello Award judges are suffering from drug-induced auditory hallucinations, post-traumatic stress disorder or whether they just have some kind of inner ear infection.

Musicologist Julian Cook said: “How they pinpointed Lily Allen’s musicianship without an electron microscope is as big a mystery as why someone would pay for it in the first place.

“If I want to listen to a bored trustafarian tunelessly intone doggerel over a cod-reggae beat then… well… I would say goodbye to my wife, walk to the bottom of the garden and launch myself feet first into the wood chipper.

“The resultant cacophony will be more melodic than The Fear and mercifully half as long.”

Cook stressed the Ivor Novello awards have been a 55-year exercise in musical schizophrenia, as for every John Lennon that wins one there is a Gary Barlow waddling up to the podium like 17 stone of defective rhyming dictionary.

He added: “Which brings us, as it always must, to Mr Sting.

“The only legitimate way of presenting Sting with a bronze statuette is in a darkened alley, at great speed, and to the back of his beardy head.

“And with any luck he’ll be out for a late evening stroll with Bono and they’ll be meeting up with Robbie Williams and Coldplay.

“And Keane and Paolo Nuttini and Snow Patrol and that floppy haired nonce that used to be in the army and… I’m sorry, I blacked out for a moment there.”