Conspiracy theorists finally convinced no secret society could possibly be running this mess

CONSPIRACY theorists have finally been convinced there is no secret society running everything because no-one could possibly believe any of this was orchestrated.

Since the dawn of the internet, bedroom-based conspiracy theorists have thought society was controlled by a shadowy alliance of the Freemasons and  the ‘Illuminati’ who have somehow had the manpower to run everything, fake the moon landings and kill John F. Kennedy.

Tom Logan, from Stevenage, said: “If they are running it then someone needs to be sacked.

“Or sacrificed, if that’s what they do.”

Racist, Norman Steele, added, “I used to think the Jews were running everything. But they seem pretty organised, so I can’t imagine they’d be behind this mess.”

Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, added: “When you look at the current state of affairs, it’s pretty clear who is running it.

“Over-privileged, incompetent white motherfuckers.”

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Company almost forgets to cover product with incredibly hard to remove stickers

A COMPANY’S production line was halted yesterday after one of its products almost failed to be covered in pointless, annoying stickers.

KitchenStuff, a manufacturer of small domestic appliances, has called in auditors to investigate why a toaster was within minutes of leaving the factory in a less than infuriating condition.

Managing director Martin Bishop said: “We make the stickers on site using the cheapest paper in the world and an insanely strong glue made from our own secret recipe.

“This sticker reminds people that the toaster needs to be plugged in; this one says ‘made in Doncaster with pride’ even though it’s not true; and this one is a random series of eight letters and numbers finished off with an exclamation mark and a question mark.

“Meanwhile, this one appears to be blank, but if you look at it under a microscope it says ‘you are an arse’ in very tiny beige letters.”

He added: “The thought of you trying to remove the stubborn remnants with a washing up sponge and some warm, soapy water makes us laugh like psychopaths.”