Conversations with phone on speaker 89 per cent more likely to be about annoying bullshit

PEOPLE using their phones on speaker are highly likely to be discussing some irritating bullshit, it has emerged.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies found that speaker-phone chats were often about a hot guy from some cool party, a ‘crazy’ coincidence or work-related boasting.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Speaker people want everyone to hear their conversation because they reckon the world is a soap opera in which they are the main characters.

“Often the person holding the phone is just repeatedly saying ‘Oh my God’ and laughing maniacally while the person on the other end says ‘Oh my God’ back.

“Or it’s some corporate rubbish like ‘Karl, KMG just caved in at the Didbury meeting, we’ve nailed it’.”

Speaker phone fan Mary Fisher said: “Speaker mode is handy for when you’re driving or if you’re on busy public transport and you want to let the entire bus know you’ve just seen a massive cat.

“I just like holding the phone directly in front of me, it looks futuristic plus I can see my lovely chin reflected in the screen.”



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England players controversially allowed to wear three lions

FIFA has turned down a request to stop the England team disrespecting the England crest by wearing it.

Many fans believe the current team’s wearing of the three lions shows a lack of respect to those who had gone before them and managed to pass a ball ten yards.

England supporter Wayne Hayes said: “Is this what Terry Butcher ran around with his head pissing blood for? Is this why Gazza cried? Is this why Geoff Thomas shanked that shot against France?

“To see the crest besmirched by Wayne Rooney wearing it while wandering around the pitch like he’s in IKEA is a disgrace.”

England manager Gareth Southgate said: “The decision whether to wear the three lions should be a personal one, unless you fuck up a vital penalty you’re inexplicably taking in a major tournament, in which case you should be allowed nowhere near them.”

Funds raised by the sale of England shirts with the crest help to fund various causes, such as firing managers and staging doomed bids to host the world cup.