Coronavirus or Brexit: which are we handling worse?

IF f**cking things up were a race, Britain’s approaches to Brexit and coronavirus would be neck and neck. Here’s why:

Both exploit our love of the NHS

As incredible as it is seeing a 99 year-old war veteran raise millions of pounds for the NHS, shouldn’t we be asking why he’s having to drum up money to begin with? Maybe we should be asking Boris where his Brexit bus money is instead.

Neither has an end in sight

The prospect of COVID-19 hanging around for years will be a familiar disappointment to Britons, who have spent the last four wondering when the madness will end. And while a vaccine is in the works, no one is immune to the tedium of Brexit.

Each ignored warnings from Europe

Countries on the continent clearly had nothing to teach Britain about coronavirus. It’s just a coincidence we copied everything they did because our own hare-brained strategy was total bollocks. It’s almost as if going it alone is bad.

They’ve galvanised Boris

After the 2016 referendum Boris Johnson staggered around in the political wilderness for a bit, and the pandemic also put him out of action. However, each one has seen him rise heroically from the ashes like a phoenix with a bad haircut.

We’re heading to financial ruin either way

No matter what, it looks like the country’s economy is going to go down the toilet fairly soon. Sadly this means the government can blame something external for the impending financial shit storm rather than taking the rap for its own shortcomings. Business as usual.

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Your four worst exes to text right now, ranked

LONELY? Here are the four of worst ex-lovers to start a texting spree with now you’re feeling unloved in lockdown:

The one you went on two Tinder dates with

This one seemed fine until you went back to their house and they showed you a lock of hair from their ex they’d been keeping. There was also the creepy doll collection. Still, maybe it’s interesting to step inside the mind of a possible psychopath while you’re safely stuck indoors. 

The one you just broke up with

This was the one you were going out with right before the lockdown, who called it off because they didn’t want to spend three months indoors with you. On the upside, it’s pretty fresh emotional hurt so there’s lots of drama for you to text about. Also they might spice up the group chat on FaceTime, which at this point has descended into funny faces and pet-showing.

The one you went out with for two years

This one is the most painful because there are still quite a lot of unresolved emotional issues, such as them cheating on you with your best friend. Still, at least they’ll get your name right while texting and you won’t have to explain the weird mole on your arse if you resort to sending nudes.

The one you went out with at school and lost your virginity to

You went out with them for six months at school. You know little about them now apart from the fact they’re an ‘entrepreneur’ who’s into Bitcoin and they’re constantly sharing adverts for genuine RayBans on Facebook. You could regret contacting them if they’re a total cock now, but you’ve got to step outside the bubble once in a while, right?