Corporate bastard hiding behind fun desk ornaments

AN office worker’s collection of amusing desk ornaments hides his sly, toadying personality, it has emerged.

Tom Logan’s Lego toys, sci-fi figures and novelties have fooled many of his colleagues into thinking he is not a devious yes-man and seasoned backstabber.

Co-worker Nikki Hollis said: “Tom’s Darth Maul Lego figure suggests he doesn’t take things too seriously, but really he’s the sort of person who tells the boss if you take an extra 12 minutes for lunch.

“I overheard him trying to get someone sacked for doing personal photocopying in the office. How could he do that when he’s got all those Kinder Egg toys Blu-Tacked to his monitor?

“Another time he kept picking faults with my PowerPoint presentation and really made me look stupid, even though he’s got a mini bubblegum dispenser on his desk. 

“I’ve tried to warn the others, but they’re blinded by his Dilbert stress reliever.”

Logan said: Judas came with a kiss, I come with an amusing Minions calendar.”

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Tories to build thousands of affordable second homes

THE government is to build 200,000 second houses to help homeowners onto the buy-to-let ladder.

Minsters have vowed to end the housing crisis which has deprived millions of a respectable second income.

A spokesman said: “Why should students be waking up in their childhood bedrooms when, with a little help from the government, they could be living in a new house bought by their parents and serving as the capricious, cold-eyed landlord to their friends?

“We need to shift from generation rent to generation rental portfolio.

“Britons will no longer be deprived of a bolthole in the country, and thousands will once again be able to earn £500 every weekend by putting their London flat through Airbnb.”

Emma Bradford, 29, said: “We’ve just gotten married and would like to start exploiting other people like us.

“Our dream is to be able to say ‘you can’t have your deposit back because there’s biscuit crumbs behind the sofa’ with a you’ve-hurt-our-feelings facial expression.”