A GROUP of retirement-age women from a Cotswold village have produced a charity calendar featuring a Chicago three-way, two golden shake-downs and a carefully choreographed ‘Dutch steamboat’.
The members of the Stedbury Women’s Institute opted for a more ambitious fund-raising effort after three consecutive years of concealing their private parts with teacups and home-made chutney.
Chairwoman Angela Leddon said: “This year’s calendar will feature extreme sex acts, all of which have been ‘legalled’ by Mrs Johnstone in her capacity as a Justice of the Peace.
“We made extensive use of my husband’s wide-angled lens and the whole thing is printed in full colour on glossy, wipe-clean paper. And don’t worry, there’s still plenty of chutney for all you chutney enthusiasts.”
She added: “At first, some of my ladies were a tad reluctant, particularly Mrs Groves who runs the post office. But after a couple of stiff brandies and a pink fancy she surprised us all by doing some rather continental things with a jar of Swarfega and a clutch of fennel.”
Mrs Leddon said almost a third of her members had never seen hardcore pornography until treasurer Margaret Gerving organised a Sunday afternoon screening of Butt Munchers 5: Diving Miss Daisy.
Geraldine Sitwell, 64, who helps out at the library on Wednesdays and Fridays, said: “There’s a scene where a foreign girl puts some cake up her backside. You can see that it’s clearly made from a packet mix and you just wonder why they haven’t made the effort.
“And the olive-skinned actress with the extremely wide mouth looked ever so thin, so I got in contact with her agent and passed on my recipe for mutton casserole.”
The calendar’s supporting cast includes Mystique, a 38-year-old Latino transsexual from Reno, as well as a prize Hereford bull and an antique potato dibber borrowed from the local pub.
Mystique added: “It was great fun – very freaky – but my doctor says I’ve now got something called a ‘cheese scone’ wedged up my rear fandango.”
