Cottage of 17th century witch-columnist Lizzie Jones discovered

STUNNED archaeologists believe they have found the ancient former home of the notorious writer and sorceress Lizzie Jones.

The remains of the immensely eerie cottage, complete with mummified cats, a cauldron containing human male bones and a large collection of expensive shoes, were unearthed during a dig in Lancashire.

Archaeologist Emma Bradford said: “Lizzie Jones was perhaps the most notorious of the Pendle witch-columnists.

“By day, she would sit at her rough-hewn desk, cauldron bubbling softly in the background, and use a rook’s wing-bone dipped in dog blood to pen articles for popular gazettes. Her topics would include men, recent murders and fashion, as viewed through the dark prism of her witchy neuroses.

“At night, local villagers believed she flew around the village, using weird fleshy membranes under her armpits as wings, entering any hovel that contained a virile male and doing unspeakable things to drain him of his vital fluids.

“Then it was off home to cast a spell to make crops fail and cattle turn barren, and to suckle her feline familiars Charmion, Barbaris and Nebulon.”

She added: “The sad thing is that all Lizzie really wanted was to be loved. But she went about it the wrong way, and was burned at the stake.”

Local legend has it that the Pendle witch-columnists were in thrall to the powerful warlock Dacre, a terrifying wild-haired hermit who believed himself the devil’s stepson.

Emma Bradford said: “Witches could use fearful, dark things to manipulate the bovine ignorance of the masses.

“We are fortunate to live in a more enlightened age.”

 

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Tories to have Euro summit explained to them slowly

FEVERED Tories are to have the purpose of the crucial Euro summit explained to them as slowly as it takes.

As cabinet ministers and backbenchers demanded David Cameron defend the UK from things they have just made up while at the same time warning Britain could become isolated in exactly the way they have always dreamed of, specialists have been brought in with picture books and a guitar.

Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies,  said: “This. Summit. Is. About. Pre-vent-ing. A. Mass. Default. Which. Will. Ruin. Ab-so-lute-ly. Ev-ery-thing.”

The professor then asked the angry Tories to turn to the next page where they will see a picture of the House of Commons on fire.

Leaning over Iain Duncan Smith, he added: “And. This. Summit. Is. Not. About. Making. It. Easier. For. British. Com-pan-ies. To. Sack. People. Or. Force. New. Taxes. On. The. City. Of. London.

“It. Is. About. Drawing. Up. Measures. To. Ensure. Sta-bil-ity. And. Fiscal. Disc-i-pline. In. The. Euro-zone.

“Now, everyone, repeat after me – Britain. Is. Not. In. The. Euro-zone.”

His bottom lip trembling, London mayor Boris Johson said: “But… but… but if we don’t make the summit about things that it’s not about then we’ll never be able to have nice things ever again.”

But Professor Brubaker said: “It’s okay Boris, we can have another summit about whatever you like just as soon as you’ve learned how to go to the toilet on your own.”

He added: “Now, let’s all sing a happy song about what will happen to British exports when the UK leaves the single market.

“It’s called, Old McDonald’s Killed Himself.”