Could we be owned by normal people? ask cats

CATS have asked if they can be owned by people who are not weird.

Currently anyone owning four or more cats is automatically monitored by local authorities, while anyone with 10-plus cats is ‘zoned as a special cattery’.

But the cats themselves have said they would like to be owned by the normal just to see how it feels.

Four-year-old tortoiseshell Felix said: “I hate to complain, and certainly I get stroked a lot while my owner tells me that Derren Brown can control her mind through my lovely fur…

“But negotiating my way through teetering piles of newspapers and unwashed dishes to get to the back door is a pain, while food can be a bit unreliable because of the Food Illuminati.

“Dogs get to live with normal families. I wonder what that’s like?”

Cats are particularly keen to be adopted by anyone who respects their privacy enough to not take photographs of them and post them on social media every single minute of the day.

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Time for a chat with your manager after he discovers you’re having your work mail delivered to the office toilets.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)?
The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog. Actually, hang on, I think it might be dead.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)?
“Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fair…” “Tom Hardy” “Wait, what?” “I’m a gay mirror. Did the guy in Ikea not tell you?”

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)?
This weekend you go to the Michael Eavis restaurant. He presents you with a £250 bill and when you say you haven’t ordered yet, you’re told you’ll get what you’re given.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)?
Dear Mr Bugg, to ‘walk into the path of a lightning bolt’ would require a walking pace in excess of 224,000mph. So chinny fucking reckon, frankly.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Trying to work out what Kanye West could do to warrant his ego, the only answer you can think of is ‘Ridding the world of Kanye West’.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)?
Calamitous haircut. Absolutely fucking calamitous.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Hanging around the back of a Henry VIII-themed concert, you notice Anne Boleyn unable to get inside. No head, no backstage pass.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)?
You reckon you could trust George Galloway as far as you could throw him but you’d prefer to make sure through empirical evidence.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)?
Withdraw any money you have in a Scottish bank. They’ll only spend it on vodka.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
?Whenever you walk into a room you light it up. It’s a total pain in the arse.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
?The reason your home-made hummus tastes revolting is that it’s not meant to be made with chick pee.